the phone

I hate talking on the phone. It wasn't always that way. As a teen, that's all I did was talk on the phone. Hours at a time. But as an adult, there isn't much I'd less rather do than make phone calls and talk on the phone. People often wonder whether I don't like them or something when they call because I'm not talkative usually (unless I'm driving which I'm trying not to do and is another story altogether). I know I'm not like that in real life. And yes I do like to talk. And yes most likely I do like you. I just hate the phone.

I think it goes back to when I worked at the Canadian Liver Foundation as a telefundraiser. During those three months I worked there full time, I would make about 500 calls a day. Over 5 days that's 2500 a week and 13 weeks is 32500 phone calls. About 10 years later, I worked at CIBC as a customer service rep for VISA. I'd take about 30 calls an hour there. And then as a youth pastor and a person growing up in the pre-internet days, I've spent a lot of time on the phone.

Anyhow, I hate the phone. If someone wants to get a hold of me, I usually have a 'within a few minute' response time by email. Or text message. Or just about anything else. But if you call me at home on my home phone, I'm going to be short. Not cause I don't like you. And not cause I don't want to talk to you. I just hate the phone.

the unedited version

In my other blog, I just wrote down a few thoughts about the liberal evangelical spectrum in our church. It's how I feel but edited for church reading. Here's where it came from.

For whatever reason, I've always been a pretty moderate person able to get along with different people. I'm the Christian that has a lot of non-Christian friends. I'm the non churchy guy that pastors a church. I'm the evangelical that has many liberal friends. Good or bad - that's just me. I know some people call me wishy washy and maybe even lukewarm but frankly, I don't really give a crap. It's who I am and being able to relate to people makes me a good pastor. I know what I believe.

It's a fight though. In my first presbytery meeting I attended while at Regent College, I was invited out with the "evangelical" crowd following the meeting. During that time, they put down just about every liberal, feminist or female in the meeting. It was WAY worse than any of the bashing that my non Christian friends would give to anyone. It was personal and very nasty. The problem was that some of those liberals they were talking to were good friends of mine. That was the last time I went out with those "spiritual" clergy and elders. Each Presbytery, I sat with my friends - most of whom were the people that I didn't share theology with but whom I respected and loved. To their credit, they may have been liberal but they never once put down the other people. But they did put down and express some hatred around the evangelical camp of the church - not specific to people - but just comments like, "How can evangelicals think they are the only way to heaven?" "how can they say that the Bible is literal and God's word?" etc. etc. etc. And then they would always look over and say something like, "you don't think that do you?"

I don't normally let theology get in way of friendships or how I see people. My father in law has a liberal theology and in the interest of family, we don't talk about the things that divide us. I know what he thinks. He knows we don't agree. So we just stay away from it. With many of these friends, I guess they just aren't used to an evangelical that isn't pushy and judgemental.

But maybe I'm not pushy enough. I probably need to be more outspoken about this than I am.

But to the evangelicals and liberals reading this, get over yourselves. Grow up. God's judging us both.

Counting my blessings

This fall has been absolutely insane for me. Could well be the busiest my life has ever been. It's competing with one summer in 1996 when I was working half time as a youth pastor in the evenings and weekends, full time as a teen leadership director for Boys and Girls Clubs during the weekdays and taking two courses at UVIC. It's also competing with 1998-2000. At this point, I'm married. Kathleen is working full time. I'm working 30 hours a week as a youth pastor and studying full time at Regent College.

This time around, the other pastor at the church is on Sabbatical which for all intents and purposes was 5 months long (including his summer holidays etc that I covered at the church). While I've done maternity leave before and shouldered solo pastor type responsibilities at my last church, it was never for a congregation this size with a very active ministry life. I'm also coaching senior boys volleyball which is three days a week of practice and tournaments on most weekends. Kathleen is away 2-3 days a week so I'm doing all the dad duties on those days. And then there's a hockey league that Eric and I share - which isn't as busy as it could be this fall but still occupies time and mental space. SO....I've had many many 16 hour days the past several months. I'm very tired. But very thankful. Here's my list...

-every week I've gotten numerous phone calls, thank you and encouragement cards from people that have been praying for me.

-I LOVE my church - the people, the leadership team, the worship, the everything. They love me like God does. Allowing me try and fail and be myself.

-I LOVE my kids. They are so innocent, so vulnerable, so impressionable. They love me like God does. Unconditionally. Even when they get grumpy, "early morning" dad.

-I LOVE my wife. We've been together now for 14 years and knows me better than i know myself. And she still looks at me like I'm the best guy in the world. She loves me like God does. Even when I'm stinky and spouting off about my next big project.

-I LOVE my friends and family. I was away from the island for 10 years and now that I'm back, it's like nothing has changed with my old friends and family. They are truly the most amazing people I know. They too love me like God does.

-I LOVE being me. There's still many areas that this isn't done but in the last few years, I can honestly say that I've been happy in my skin - not feeling like I need to prove something to anyone else or myself. MOST of the time, I think I'm growing in the right direction.

-I LOVE Duncan. Ok, let's not get carried away. How about I don't dislike it? I DO like the Cowichan Valley and God has given me a burden for the people here. That's good enough i hope?

-I LOVE hockey. The smell of the ice. The smell of my gear. The smell of the league. All of it.

Life is just good.

Living in a small town doesn't mean...

...that you can stop wherever you want in the middle of the road to talk to someone you know. (or back up like the guy did today)

...you can make ignorant comments about Chinese people just because I happen to be the only one you know.

...you can walk your dog without a leash and let it take its dump in my lawn without picking it up.

...my house is your house. Don't come over anytime you want without calling and invite yourself in.

...I know everyone that lives there. And if I happen to know them, I don't want or need to hear all the gossip about that person.

...everyone must love it there. There is such a thing as people that like big cities!

funny things

The other day, Jordan was talking to Kathleen and started his sentence with, "You know I really love my dad but if I HAD to choose another dad, I would....". Obviously, that perked Kathleen's ears up as she got thinking that already at 5.75 years old, he was starting his issues with his father. Then he continued. "I would choose a dad that has lots of shovels so that he could dig up the whole earth and we could find all the treasure in the world."

I was watching Jordan play his first soccer game ever. They have a 15 minute practice before the game and then play 2 15 minute halves. Since I was at home with Rachel sleeping, I had to watch it all on video. During warmup, a large group of the kids ran by the camera and I didn't see Jordan. I figured I must've missed him in the crowd. But then a few seconds behind, another two kids. Jordan and one other kid. Jordan had a huge smile on his face. It's nice to see kids before they care about performing.

I played a hockey game recently where every time I tried turning a certain way, my skate would fly out from under me and I'd fall over. I couldn't figure it out because i'd just gotten my skates sharpened. The next day I went in to get it sharpened, everyone laughed and asked how the game went. They did it on purpose! Someone told them that at camp I pulled pranks! so they sharpened it for free that time.

Why being an older brother is harder.

-I've been spanked more on the index finger of my right hand than my brother's whole body.

-When I get presents for special occasions like my wedding, people like my family still think they need to be "fair" so they give him stuff too. When he gets married, will there be "fairness" gifts? I don't think so.

-When my parents wanted me to do stuff, they just told me to do it or else (I'd get spanked. I'd be grounded. etc.). When my parents wanted my brother to do stuff, they paid him.

-I showed my parents first how disappointing having kids can be because I'll never be the "perfect Chinese kid". But it was an uphill battle fighting to NOT play the piano (for about 5-6 years!) or to NOT have to get straight A's! By the time my brother came around, he quit piano the first time he asked. He got a C+? Maybe just pay him $5 instead of $10...

-It seems very important that my parents groom an independent spirit in me. "Get a job because we're charging you rent!" "We're not feeding you anymore. You eat too much." "We got by without help. Why can't you?" were a few ways that came out. Why is it so much more important for me to be independent?

-My parents simply just love Eric more than me.

When there's nothing to say

I had a friend that was a worship leader in the Vineyard church. He was a great guy that travelled with his band making Vineyard CD's etc. But (broad stereotype coming here) he was one of those 'typical' Vineyard guys that wore his emotions on his sleeve all the time and regularly cried through worship sets. I got the opportunity to be his roommate during a retreat and it was awesome getting the chance to learn and pray with this guy.

A while after that retreat ended, he was sharing with me about a conversation he'd had with his senior pastor. Basically, the senior pastor was concerned because the worship that he was leading wasn't as moving as it sometimes was. My friend wasn't playing as emotionally (meaning he wasn't crying as much) and it was seeming dry. After sharing with his senior pastor that personally, he was struggling with some stuff and so it was just coming through in his worship leadership, his senior pastor said this to him. "Well can't you just fake it for a while? It's your job to lead people into worship. You need to be able to do that even when you don't feel like it."

At the time, I remember thinking how horrible that was. Faking it?!? That's exactly everything that people that don't like Christians and the church say about us. How could a senior pastor ask a leader to just fake it?

The past while I've just felt hugely spiritually attacked. I'm not one of those 'everything is a demon' kinda guys but the past while, it's really just been oppressive and it's taken almost everything just to fire off the simplest prayer with sincerity or passion. Maybe it's because I'm going to camp soon (which is sometimes/often is) or maybe it's because the senior pastor is going away and I'm going to be 'it' for a while. Or whatever. But it's been tough.

So what do I do on Sunday morning? How do I preach or pray or lead when I feel blah towards God? Simply put, I fake it. I don't pretend that God and I are super chummy or anything but I do need to act in faith even when I don't feel it. I'm doing the best I can to do the right things but it is disciplined work right now and not the joyfilled work it sometimes is.

People often ask what the toughest part of the job is. Hands down - it's trying to keep my personal spiritual life growing with integrity so that I can be authentic.

VISA bills

I watch people go to great lengths to make sure their VISA receipts total even numbers. They squeeze the gas pump 10x just to make sure it's a 'perfect' pump - $40.00 even. Then whenever they buy food, the total is $22.17 and they do the math to make a $2.83 tip so it totals an even number. On and on it goes.

Here's my question. When does a VISA bill ever come to an even number? And even if it did, who pays a VISA bill in person anymore? It's paid electronically and if you pay it through your bank electronically, who cares whether it is an even total?

So be a man. Do the right thing.

impossible questions

I'm not usually someone short for words. I like questions. Most of the time, I can take a stab at an answer and even though it'll rarely be more than a personal opinion, I like the challenge. But consistently, there is one person that stumps me all the time and leaves me wondering what to say.

My 5 year old son Jordan.

Yesterday, he asked me what 'balls' do. Now i was really hoping he was referring to basketballs, volleyballs, soccer balls etc. but that wasn't his question. It was the one every boy asks at one point or another.

I hmmed and hawwed about it for a bit. Kathleen, my nurse wife, was right there but didn't pipe in with her nursey mom wisdom. She just looked at me and waited - probably laughing inside. After what in my mind seemed like an eternity - but was probably a couple seconds - I started my answer.

They are what God gave us to make babies. Great answer right? I thought so. But before I could pat myself on the back, "No dad. Babies come from mommies tummies." Crap. Then my politician instincts kicked in. I talked around it for a while. Got technical without really saying anything. And after about 3 minutes of this, he looks up at me again no longer with a questioning look on his face. I'm proud of the job I've done as a dad explaining this to a 5 yr old.

How does he thank me? By saying "Wow. My hands are wrinkly."

Thank God for kids. They remind me not to take things too seriously.

wisdom

Well Whistler was an awesome time. As it always is. Great to see everyone and nothing beats a hot day playing volleyball with good friends.

One of the friends of a 'used to be' friend stayed with us. He's a pothead. Thankfully he is a somewhat considerate pothead knowing that not all people enjoy 'blazing'. I'm not sure what it is about potheads but every one of them I've ever met really likes to theologize and have a philosophy on things that they assume everyone wants to know.

During one conversation I overheard, he took about 10 minutes explaining why there is such a low blood alcohol limit to drive. Obviously, he knows how much he can drink and still be in control and it should be his right to choose and moderate himself. Obviously, it is a government ploy to get money and remind us prohibition times. However, he DOES believe in seatbelts because he lost a friend to a car accident where seatbelts would have saved his life. In another long pontification, he told us about why he likes rain. It reminds him that forest fires are kept down. We just worship the sun because it is a marketing tool for big companies. But NATURE likes rain. On and on he goes.

Here's the part I don't get. People LIKE to listen to this guy! They call him smart. They call him reflective. He's even called spiritual. (and he frequently liked to say to me, "you should understand that - you're spiritual") If making incongruent, half baked statements of ill conceived observations makes someone wise, then I suppose they are right. So why is it that when a Christian opens their mouth about something from the Bible, we are called stupid for believing 'that stuff'. Smoke dope, play the drums, close your eyes and talk about your feelings about nature and you're wise. Attend church every week, read your Bible and believe in one of the oldest, most influential religeons of all time and you are ignorant. (and that's only from a secular point of view)

God takes the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. I just hope he's not talking about pothead.

A real man can...

...admit when he's wrong.

Robin Mark has come and gone. But once again, I thoroughly enjoyed his concert. Kevin and I were joking before the concert that he'll probably sit down with me at dinner and say, "well Chris, I read your blog." That would've sucked.

I'm still not sure that his music is me but I appreciate who he is and what he did this weekend. Simply put, he allowed himself to be used by God to bless the Valley. He could've gone for more cash. Or more prestige than Duncan. He was tired and could've just taken a break. Or gave a half-hearted effort since we wouldn't have really known anyways. But he didn't. He played his heart out not for one show but for 2, 2.5 hour shows in one day. He was flexible with his song selection and even gave the spotlight to a 10 year old girl to dance not once but twice.

What is most impressive isn't his music. It's who he is. Just a simple man trying to live for God. Make a difference in the world for Him. There is no doubt he's talented and gifted as a guitarist, singer, preacher - but his ministry to me wasn't those things. It was the man inside.

I never got to know the Gaither's. But never once in my life did I ever think I would want to be like them. I'd be proud to be known as someone with half the integrity that Robin Mark showed this weekend.

Paying taxes

Nobody likes paying taxes. But of all the people that dislike taxes, I'm on the low end in terms of how much I hate them. I don't mind paying tax so that I have roads to drive on and a health care system that, despite all its flaws, works better than any other in the world. And I'm proud of the fact that we have a social system that is better than most in the world as well.

I was reminded the other day about a certain aunt and uncle of mine that Eric and I happen to strongly dislike. Besides the personality and history issues that we have with them, they also take advantage of the Canadian system - just as I'm sure many many others do.

They live in Hong Kong. But many years ago, they tried immigrating here. They bought a business and after a half-assed attitude at making a go of it, they sold it - complained about Canada and decided to go back to HK to work. But they kept a house here and are dual citizens. Each year, for about 3 weeks, they come here for holidays. During that time, they book appointments for every conceivable medical test/procedure that they can think of. And hand in a care card number to pay for it. They don't pay one cent of income tax. The only tax they pay is the GST/PST because they have to eat while they are here. And they complain.

Recently, the Canadian government is trying to cut some of this off by taxing citizens that have holdings and make money elsewhere. And what do my relatives do? Complain about it.

I hope they complain sometime at a family dinner while I'm there. I'd love to tell them what I think. TAKE A HIKE! WE DON'T WANT YA.

Stingyness killed the cat.

It would be fair to say that I like having nice things. I'm not a 'simple life' kinda guy (pardon the Paris Hilton comparison). I'm never going to be someone that will live in a shack, eat food grown off my land, walk everywhere I go and solar power my way into eternity. I like what I like and I will spend to get it. That's me.

Being in the profession I'm in (if you want to call it a profession), I've always been kinda ashamed about that. I'm well aware that my income comes from the hard earned dollars of people - some of which don't have very much. They are giving their money to God - and not to support the extravagant lifestyle of the pastor. So I've always kinda hid my excesses and my taste for the nicer things.

But just as much as I like to have bigger, better things, I also love to share what I have. I'd have no problem lending my car away or buying stuff so I can enjoy it with friends. Why do I want a bigger house or a bigger TV? It's so I can invite more people over to enjoy it with me. I don't want bigger better stuff for me. I like having it to share and give away. I don't horde things. If I have it, you are welcome to use it.

I also discovered that I hate stingyness. Even the perception of it. I can't stand it when people hold on to things that tightly. I can understand someone not wanting to lend me stuff because for the most part, I'm someone that can afford what I need. But when people have a lot and don't share it with those that don't have much or worse yet, complain about having to pay luxury tax on their yacht and stuff like that. GET OVER YOURSELF!

Of all the people in the world, of all the institutions in the world, the least stingy place should be the church and Christians. Generosity is God's character! Yet churches and Christians are among the most stingy people around sometimes! They have rooms in churches that they don't want people to use because they'll get dirty. They buy electronic equipment and stuff that can't get used on any day but Sunday and only by this one person. GET OVER YOURSELF! We want a big deal every time we give something to God - all the pomp and circumstance. You know what God did with loot given following the taking of a city by Israel? He wanted it burned! It reminded the people that IT DOESN'T BELONG TO THEM! If God wants to burn it, then burn it. What if we did THAT on Sunday morning? Our offering is God's. This church is God's. What about the poor or missions or whatever else you think the money would have been able to help with? God is rich. He'll look after it. Obedience and sacrifice first. Quit trying to justify your stingyness with holy clothing. You just want to buy another carpet.

(*Chris is making sure this is in the RIGHT blog this time.)

something's just have to get said

It's 2:45 on Tuesday afternoon and normally I try not to do personal stuff at work. (stop laughing) But somethings just need to get said.

Right now I am drinking the best mocha frappacino I've ever had. I'm not sure why but for some reason, my body craved it like only a pregnant woman would understand. It was enough for me to get out into the rain, drive my car down to Starbucks, and fork out 5 bones to get it. Until recently I was strictly a Timmy Ho's man (being a true Canadian and all) but when it comes to cold blended drinks, Starbucks beats St. Timothy hands down.

Anyhow I need to work more here. The day is escaping me. I just had to stop to tell whoever would listen. Call it Mocha Frappacino evangelism. It's saved me today.

Leading stuff

You'd think that after being in ministry for the last 15 years, I wouldn't get nervous leading stuff. But I do. Something was said at a funeral a while back that stuck with me. Something like "be careful what you say because once you say it, it becomes a thing in itself". Being someone that speaks as (or sometimes before) i think, that kinda scared me. But I think it's true. When something is in your head, it's just a thought and has no real substance - except to you. But once you say it, it is up for interpretation and takes a life of its own as people hear it, talk about it, scrutinize it - whatever they want. It becomes a separate entity altogether to you.

That's partly why I get nervous. That my thoughts are going to actually potentially mean something to someone - good or bad. That my thoughts can actually help or harm. That somewhere, someday, someone might remember what I said and do something else with it.

The other part is just pure insecurity. What will people think of me? Will they like it? Agree with it? Will I fit in? what gives me the right to say something about this with any authority?

I know what the answer is to this all though. It's God. I am just Chris. I'm not super Chris and definitely not Jesus Christ. I just need to give God my best in ministry. Love people my best. Give grace the best I can. Represent Jesus the best I can. And then I pray and ask forgiveness a lot for how I've fallen short. But my accounting is with God and not what others or even I think about it. So maybe it's good I'm a bit insecure about it? It just reminds me of where I need to stay focussed.

I played in a volleyball tournament yesterday. Crazy fun. I forgot just how much I like being out in the sun with friends, soft green grass, on a lawn chair with cold drink in hand, watching or playing volleyball. It was quite likely one of the best days I've had since I've come to Duncan.

That would be ideal heaven for me. Except no crazy sunburns like I have. And I can jump a lot higher than I do. And I wouldn't ache afterwards. But it does make me wonder what about yesterday was so great. It wasn't how well I played cause I didn't play all that great.
I think it was the friendships. The laughter. The not needing to be some place else. Just enjoying being alive.

another thing I dislike

One of the hats I wear is Youth Pastor. Somehow that means that people think they can get me to get teens to do stuff for them for little to nothing. I'm not complaining that we should do stuff always for money or fundraising for something. But guess what? Kids don't like doing stuff that is like chores at home. I'm all for the youth helping out but it should come from them and not from me saying, "we're going to do this today and that tomorrow". My role is to build relationships with them and while sometimes it means we do stuff to help out, it shouldn't be taken for granted. The number of times I've heard someone say, "oh the youth should do that". Well how would people feel if we saw dirty dishes in the sink and we said, "oh the ladies should take care of that" or if there was garden looked bad, "hey, you're over 75! Go plant something."

The teens need to learn to serve and give. But they also need to be asked and not told. That means they can say no just like you or I could when we get asked to do something. And if people think asking me is going to mean they are going to say yes, you don't know me very well. I'm not going to use up my relational currency with the teens to do something that I don't think they'll enjoy just because it's me asking. I'd rather use that currency to get them to go to camp or Creationfest or a retreat.

political correctness

I've been grumpy this week. PMS for men. Not sure why but no matter what's going on, I don't feel like doing it. I've written two complaint letters that were pretty seething this week and I pity the people that have made sales calls to my house. When I was at the store the other day and the girl at the checkout was talking to me and somehow came up about where I worked and I said at the Presby. church, she said, "oh yeah? I go to church too! The JW church." I just turned and said, "it's not the same thing." and then took my bags and left. Probably not the best witness - and next time I"m in, i'll make sure I'll be extra kind.

Anyhow, got me thinking about being politically correct. I'm good at it. But I hate it. Being a Presby. means even among the churchy people, there's things to say and avoid. Let alone others. Here's a few.

1) I've touched on the religeon one. Why is it that we have to be so accommodating around spirituality? They aren't the same! One isn't as good as another! It's not what's right for you, what's right for me. It's what's right, period. Wanna argue about which is right? Fine. At least you can acknowledge that they're different and it's more than just optimism or something in our head that's fabricated.

2) Alcohol and drug abuse. It's not a disease. Yes, for a few people, it is something that you grew up with and had less of a chance of avoiding it. But drinking and using drugs was a choice and even though you knew it was addictive and bad for you, you still did it. The addiction you have is a consequence. Deal with it. When you can admit that, you've got a chance.


3) I'm Chinese. If you don't know what I am, call me Asian. That covers almost half of the earth's population. But don't just guess or say, "you people". That's offensive. If you are white and not a good friend of mine, don't make Chinese jokes either.

Driving

I counted 5 speed traps from Mill Bay to Victoria just in the direction I was travelling! 5 cops! Crazy money grab.

I've never heard anyone call me a slow driver. I've slowed down over the years. I no longer can do UVIC to Nanaimo in 47 minutes (my record) but I'm still more at home in Vancouver or in the States.

So today when a guy was riding my tail going over the Hat, I was pretty choked. I was going good and this guy was trying to pass me on solid doubles and stuff and then honking when he wasn't succeeding. I wasn't speeding up on him but I wasn't exactly going to slow down and let the jerk get his way either. So when the passing lane comes up and he passes me going at least 140-150, I faught every urge to give the finger. After all, it could have been someone I know! But turns out I didn't so he got the bird up first.

A minute later, cop comes flying out and hunts this jerk down.

Enjoy your ticket buddy. Sorry you're $500 out. Guess what? I beat you home too.

Giving our worst to God

I'm a perfectionist. People wouldn't know it to meet me because I hide it in an air of clumbsiness and spontenaeity but I expect a lot from myself and can beat myself up pretty good when I don't meet my own expectations. I know the root of it is pride. Somewhere inside, I think I'm better than other people so while I can forgive and give grace to others, I can't do it to myself. I tell myself I shouldn't make mistakes. I'm better than that. Perfectionism is a sin like any other and I'm working on it. When I'm not working on it, I'm just hiding it I guess.

It gets said a lot that we need to give our best to those we love. We should give our best for God - or for our spouse or for our kids. For me, the best I have to give is my worst.

It's a lot harder for me to be vulnerable, broken, incomplete, a work in progress than to give the things I do best. It's hard to show my weakness, my insecurity, my "no matter how hard I try I still screw things up". Because I'm a perfectionist and to show that is to bare my soul. What will others do with it? What will God do with that? It's true vulnerability for me and I hate it.

But it's what has given strength to relationships. I can honestly say that Kathleen will love me no matter what because she's done it when it's been hard or next to impossible - because I've been far from lovable. Far from a trophy husband. Far from sometimes even being a civilized human being. She sees my hypocracies and knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

That's why I like to sing and play my guitar. It's not because I'm good at it. I know I'm not. It's because it's the thing that I give to God that is truly me. I'm pouring my heart out and baring my soul doing something that's outside of my comfort zone. It's surrender for me to play - or dance - or anything else that isn't natural to me. I'm far from an accomplished musician. Far from an accomplished Christian. I'm the worst hypocrite sometimes. But God loves me anyways. That's why I know God will love me no matter what. Because he already has. He loves to hear my missed chords, missed beats, out of tune notes because THAT is me showing God that I'm willing to even give my worst to Him. It's admitting that I need Him and that without Him, I'd be nothing. I live much of my life hiding that fact. I hope I learn my lesson soon.

My friend Kris

Kris and I were both in Ontario jumping through a Presbyterian hoop called Guidance conference in 2003. Basically, we were brought out to Ontario to be in a community of other people looking towards ordination and there are a bunch of ministers and elders there watching us interact and grill us to see if we are 'worthy'. Strange system. Anyhow, Kris and I were talking about how awful and pretentious of a system we have.

Somewhere through our conversation, we had a few minutes where he opened up about his family - particularly his daughter Katie that was having some serious health issues and how it affected him and his family. We got sharing about our kids - how important family was - and how everything else in life pales in comparison to it. How we'd give anything for our kids, how vulnerable they are, how we needed to learn to trust God deeper and more. Had it not been for Kris, guidance conference would have really sucked.

A year later, Kris and his family are in a major car accident and everyone but Katie is killed.

This morning, out of nowhere, a thanksgiving is given from a lady in the church about katie and I'm done. I guess I never really had a chance to work out losing my friend. To work out how God allowed this to happen. How much it would break my friend's heart to know that his precious little girl would grow up not knowing his mom, dad and sister. It shouldn't have happened. It wasn't right. Kris was my age and at the prime of his life and the beginning of what would be an awesome ministry. He was one of the few truly faithful, godly men of integrity I knew.

So tonight, I'm going to enjoy my kids and family. That's what Kris would tell me to do. I can't even imagine losing them. But I guess Kris hasn't lost them. It's just Katie - for now.

What don't I like?

Ok, you asked.

1) Sometimes feeling like I have 300 bosses that pay my cheque and tell me what to do.

2) Baring my soul to those 300 people to sometimes get hurt by them.

3) Desk work.

4) Having to eat food that I don't like while visiting to be polite. (especially heavy lactose products!)

5) Letting those 300 people down.

6) Being always on call and always watched by people that know me that I don't necessarily know. Never getting true time off.

And by far, the biggest thing I don't like...

7) When I feel I let God down.

My job

First, let me say that this past week, I've been surprised to hear from a few people that they actually read this blog. I know there is an etiquette around blogging that you don't mention blog stuff in everyday conversations with people so you just never really know who's reading it. I guess I should be careful what I write! Or maybe slip in subliminal messages here to unsuspecting readers...

I don't think I've ever met anyone that has said to me, "Chris. Pastor. That's what I thought." It used to offend me a bit but then I realized it's because people see me as just an ordinary joe. (*this is when I called you) I think some of this comes from the misconceptions people have around church and ministry. People generally don't know too many pastors as close friends. (some of that is because some pastors have friendship issues) Or people don't really see 95% of what a pastor does or what a church is all about. Anyhow, here's a few reasons why I love what I do...

1) My job is to see the things that aren't visible. How God is working in a life - through good situations and many times even bad ones. Where God is in Scripture and in the world. I believe God is more at work today than He ever has been before. It's as obvious to me as my receding hairline.

2) I get to be a part of other people's lives. I'm an extrovert. I learn from people. I've learned so much about life through being a part of others joys and struggles, life and death. I'm encouraged just about every day by the courage and strength people have. My worldview is broad and my grace has grown because I've seen firsthand how people make the most of life with far less than I will ever have.

3) It's flexible. A pastor job is what you make it to be. I get to plan activities and programs if that's what I want to do. I can spend my days visiting people if I want. A good pastor knows what they are good at and brings that to their work and not just trying to fill a job description. (I'd argue that every job is that way but that's another story). Not to mention that a pastor has flexible hours. MANY hours sometimes but flexible ones.

4) I get to preach and teach. I love preaching. Not only is it because I like to talk and in this job, people come to listen to me ramble for half an hour but to be able to be an instrument for God to speak through is something that is absolutely the greatest thing in the world. For me, there is no better place to be than behind the pulpit. I'm at my broken lowest before God but I feel like that moment is what I was put on this earth to do.

5) Reading and growing is a part of my job. Right now, I'm reading "The Gospel according to Starbucks" by Leonard Sweet. My feet are on my desk and I'm flipping the pages thinking about what this means in terms of 21st century ministry. If it was sunny outside, I'd be under a tree reading this right now. I might be drinking coffee or a cold coke.

6) I get to play. This Saturday, Kevin and I are taking a bus load to go cart or swim or play video games. In the literature, it's called "relational ministry". In the vernacular, it's called playtime. Whether it's youth group, a coffee appointment, playing my guitar in worship, visiting a family for dinner or serving at camp, it's fun. Some people take holidays to do this stuff. It's part of my work day.

7) (the complete number) To most people, church is boring. Truthfully, sometimes to me it is as well. But, church at its finest moments, is something that is absolutely the most amazing institution in the world. When a family goes through a significant lifechange (ie. birth, death, moving etc.), this congregation here brings casseroles to their houses so they don't have to cook. Single moms and those struggling get mechanic and yard work done by some of the guys here. People have mortgaged homes to see God's vision carried out when money is needed. People give and give and give and give expecting nothing in return. WHY? Because they genuinely love each other. They genuinely love God. And they KNOW deep as deep gets, that THAT is precisely what God did for them. And I get to witness it.

Grad dinner

Last night, I attended the dinner at the church for all the grads. It's something the church has done long before I arrived. While I've done tons of these dinners for youth groupers, I must admit that St. Andy's does it well. The food was good, decorations and gifts were cool and generally speaking, is a classy event that I think any grad would enjoy.

What really impressed me last night was that there was a huge sense that it was the whole community that had raised these teens. The group that was there had really seen these kids grow up and each family had a genuine part in another's family. It wasn't an artificial "it takes a village" feeling but a real sincere atmosphere of celebrating each other's success.

I've been doing youth ministry for a long time. Sometimes I think too long. The thing about it isn't that I don't enjoy teens. I probably value the ministry more now than I did 20 years ago when I first got started. The thing is that I'm not sure HOW to do it effectively anymore. I've done it a certain way my whole life. I've read about 'relational' ministry or about 'EPIC' or postmodern church ministries. And I like it all.

But something has been changing in my view of youth ministry and I'm not sure how or when it will be there. Something about last night was really RIGHT though. The church had been the church.

What makes you spiritual

Everyone says they are spiritual these days. I'm tired of it. I'm a pastor but would never refer to myself as spiritual - partly because it's way over used and partly because I think it's a dumb term. But for argument sake, I'll use the term.

Just because you have a tattoo with a Chinese character on it doesn't make you spiritual.

Just because you send me those emails to forward on about Jesus doesn't do it either.

Eating organic food or being a vegetarian doesn't make you spiritual.

Having huge theories about life and sharing them with everyone that will listen doesn't make you spiritual.

In my eyes, what makes someone that you would call spiritual, is when their moral life is lived out with integrity in their everyday lives. If you DO what you believe when no one else is watching and no one is there to listen to your theories, that's being spiritual.

But that doesn't mean you're going to heaven. THAT is another day's blog.

The volume of the voices

No matter who you are, you have these people in your life. The people that don't think you can do it.

I can hear their words like it was yesterday. YOU can't be a pastor! You can't visit well. You don't know how to relate to seniors. You're too "youthy" to be a "real" pastor. You dress badly. Your haircut looks like Satan. Your spiritual life is weak.

You'll never get people that want to pay that kind of money to play hockey. Victoria can't manage more than 10 teams. Then more than 12 teams. Then more than 16 teams. You'll never find the ice time. You'll never be able to manage the fighting and contact. You'll never be able to keep it a beginner league.

The little idea Eric and I had called Island Hockey will likely have 22-24 teams this year. That's just about 500 people playing. 75% of them are beginners/novices or people just getting back into it. I'm sure we could have 30 if we wanted to push hard enough.

I'm not sure how good of a pastor I am but I can honestly say I'm not ashamed of my work. I think most of the time I've been able to be faithful to the calling God has put on my life. I wouldn't say I'm really great with seniors or preaching but then I wouldn't say I'm great with youth either. As long as I'm moving in the right direction and growing, I'm happy with my work though. I don't think I'm letting anyone down.
A long time ago, when I first started ministry someone said "Chris, just go and love them and you'll do fine. Just love them." And I can honestly say that I love them - in my preaching, my visiting, my everything.

We'll always have people that will try and keep us down. They may not intend to but they do. And those will probably always be the loudest voices and the ones we remember most because they are the ones that hurt. When I really stop and think about it though, there are 10 times more positive voices than negative ones. The people that really believe in me and think the world of who I am and what I can give or accomplish.

I guess I just need to learn to live by listening to those cheering for me rather than watching for those that don't.

Your MSN name

Why do people post private messages as part of their MSN name? I have about 75 people on my MSN list from all different places and parts of my life - some from work, friends, family, friends of friends, hockey or volleyball people. Do I really want them all to know:

Chris - Why don't you just call me? I miss my little pumpkin. :( or
Chris - I'm so mad I'm gonna @#*&$@ and party!

OK. You're sad. But I don't know you and don't really want to know about how pathetic you feel. It's more pathetic that you are telling everyone on your list. Second, for some people on my list, I'm your pastor. If you're going to do E on the weekend, at least hide it from me so I don't know FOR SURE why you weren't at church. And while I know you probably curse like a sailor when I'm not around, I don't really want to picture how dumb you sound.

So here's a tip. If you are mad and don't want people to MSN you, instead of telling everyone to F off, try NOT LOGGING IN. Then no one knows you're there. No one will message you. If you are sad and miss someone, call them and hang out. Unless it's me you miss, I'm not going to make it better! And if you're gonna get wasted at a party, don't tell me cause next time you see my MSN name, it might read:

Chris - Jenny in the youth group is going to have a big house party, get wasted and probably sleep with her boyfriend while her parents are away.

And your parents are probably on my MSN list.

My crack at 2k

I played a $100 entry poker tournament on the cruise just for fun. Figured there are a lot of people on a cruise that have money to spend, know a bit about poker but don't really play so I'd have a good shot. Blinds started at 25-50 and doubled every 10 minutes. We started with 1500 so is was going fast. 5 heats of 10 per heat. Top 2 at each heat makes the final table for a chance at the grand prize of $2000. Second place paid out $1000.

First day, I started in late position and got A-K. I raised 3x the BB and almost everyone called. Cheap flop I guess. It came up 6-8-9 and got a couple raises so I folded. Second hand, I got K-Q suited (or something like that). I raised 4x the BB this time and got a couple callers. A low crappy flop. I raised again. Got called again. Turn paired up something so I checked, they raised, I folded. Now I'm short stacked. I changed gears and started playing really tight for a bit to let the players go at it. When the table got down to about 4 left, everyone played tight going for the final spots and I started playing really aggressive stealing tons of blinds. I ended up being chip leader with 3 left but with the blinds at 1600-3200, the money just went around the table. I ended up coming in second with a $100 payout and a seat at the final table.

At the final table, the first hand I played was a 6-8 suited where I was on the big blind and I called a 150 bet. The flop came up 6-8-9. Everyone checked to me, I opened for 200. The guy beside me reraised to 450 all in. The guy beside him (the one that bet preflop) called (I put him on an overpair). I called and so did the guy beside me. We checked it down and sure enough, the guy that bet preflop had J-J. The guy that went all in flopped the nut straight! Jerk. I had the odds to call either way with a 450 raise to possibly take him out but still this took half my chips away.

Same strategy then. Play premium hands only unless it looks likely that I can take a blind but the blinds being so low, it wasn't really worth it. I stole a couple pots here and there but basically I just hung in there until there were 4 players left. I was short stacked and I knew that two of the others at the table were tight, conservative players. The guy to my left was an aggressive player when he has any kind of a hand. I get dealt an A-3. By now, the blinds were getting higher and I was in danger of being blinded out within a couple rounds. So it was now or never. At the same time, I was counting my chips, I noticed the two conservative players seeming uninterested in their hands. The aggressive player didn't notice what I was doing and had put in his call to the blind out of turn. When I said all in, he tried to take his blind back! The dealer said he couldn't and the two others folded.

So heads up, I have an A-3 to his 2-3. I'm a big favorite. He's the chip lead so this isn't going to hurt him much but I'll be close to the other two with this win. Flop comes up with a 2! Nothing helps me and I'm knocked out there. Stupid 4th place. A good read. Good time to put in the money. But I lose on luck.

The guy that ended up first in my heat won the tournament. A super tight, "don't get involved" player that basically checked his way into the finals and won on a river draw. I'd have easily beaten him. $2000 gone.

Cruising life

Right now, I'm waiting on the boat as we'd left Hubbard Glacier in Alaska last night and heading towards Ketchikan which will be our last stop before we make our way back to Vancouver in the next couple days. Here's a typical cruise day for me:

I wake up around 8. Head to the breakfast buffet that has just about everything anyone could possibly want for breakfast - including different meats, fish, fruit, vegetables etc. I eat a plate of fruit and a plate of bacon (call me weird) and head out to the gym. The gym has been redone recently I'm sure and it has nice machines for working out as well as a couple benches, cardio machines, classes and it all overlooks the front of the boat. Then I eat lunch. There are many places to eat lunch all with different themes and kinds of food - everything from a hamburger stand to fine lunch dining. I usually stay away from the buffet here because it's a zoo so I'll just make my way over to the pizza/pasta bar. Fresh ingredients there that you pick and choose what you want on your pizza/pasta. It's pretty amazing. After lunch, I'll shower and start my afternoon relaxing. It's some time watching TV, reading, maybe some time in the casino, watching Lost and usually napping. At 6, we get ready for dinner. Fancy dress up dining with an amazing menu of awesome food. (Last night I had two Lobster tails. The night before, I had steak and salmon...) Last night after dinner, I had an hour getting a spa massage. Then at 9, we watched a theatre show that I'd happily have paid $30-40 each to see back home. At midnight, there was another HUGE buffet in the ballroom. Kathleen and I went, took pictures, and left. Watched a few more episodes of Lost, ordered 24 hour room service and went to bed.

That's a pretty typical day this week so far. It's been good. I've really enjoyed it. But to be honest, it isn't what I thought it would be. For the majority of the world, I'd think that this is about as good as life gets. Eat when you want. Sleep when you want. Play when and whatever you want. Nothing really COSTS anything. We have cruise cards that just puts everything onto our account. People drink at every meal and often throughout the day. There's no agenda and things are usually quite over the top. I'm quite sure that the dinners I eat at night would easily cost over $60 just for me alone. (I usually eat two entrees!) If you were to ask me what ideal living would be like, this wouldn't be far off. Maybe I'd want it to be warmer. And a few friends on the boat to share these meals/good times with. But it's not far off.

But if this is what life should be aspiring to, I'd be really disappointed. As good of a time as I'm having, the best parts of this trip are the time that Kathleen and I have had watching Lost. It's the conversation I had over coffee with my mom yesterday afternoon. It's talking to my family every day at dinner for 2 hours because that's just how long dinner takes. It's watching my dad relax and enjoy himself. It's the time that I have to just be myself - no expectations - just to read, think, reflect, rejuvinate.

The best part of this cruise has nothing to do with the cruise. It's all the things I could have at home - but often don't because i'm too busy, too tired, too lazy. As much as I love being here, I'm glad that my life has a lot more to it than just chasing comfort, extravagance and wealth.

51 pounds of customer service

51 pounds is the laser printer I lifted from my office down to my car. Then into the van. Then tried fitting into the big-ass Dell box numerous times. Then from my van into Purolator. After being told it is only delivered there but can't be dropped there, back into my van. Then from my van into the UPS store. Then told that without a return label from Dell, they can't send it. After being told that there was NO WAY I would take it back home again, they were left to deal with it. Never again Dell. Thanks for nothing.

7 minutes is the amount of time we were late arriving to Japanese Village for my birthday dinner. 3-4 times they asked us rudely in the next 10 when our other guests would arrive or we could come back 4.5 hours later. I am not 10 years old. Never again Japanese Village. Thanks for nothing.

A little apology and courtesy goes a long way. Smile at me. Be polite. Talk about something meaningless - like the weather or sports. You'll get a big tip. I'll be happy. You'll be happy. We'll all be happy.

mishaps in the weight room

Working out is one of my favorite things to do - most of the time. Here's a few reasons why not:

-Fitness World Kits - the spandex lady. There's this one red headed woman probably about 60 years old that wears a sin tight leopard print bathing suit to work out. She's a big time cougar and really likes doing those leg adductor machines and step ups. Thanks for the intro Sean!

-Hip machines and the aforementioned leg adductor machine - Ok, this machine is reserved for cute girls only. You know which one I'm talking about. The one where you sit in the chair with your legs straight out in front of you and push/pull your legs apart. There is nothing worse than seeing a guy using it. Um...you have equipment there that is VERY unattractive when you spread your legs apart. These machines are for CUTE GIRLS ONLY.

-The Grunters - Why draw attention to yourself when you work out? Grunting of that volume is reserved for the privatest moments on the lid - not while the weight room is full.

-The Clangers - Don't drop weights onto the floor or clang them at the top of the rep at 100 miles an hour. It's annoying and if you are big enough to lift em, you're big enough to do the negative and put them down.

-The Posers - Again, this is a privacy thing. You look dumb when you pose in a mirror at the gym. Yes, everyone is looking at you but no, you don't look cool for doing it. We all know you are a big boy for working out. So wait til you get home or at least go into a private room.

-"give me a spot" - that doesn't mean to put on 100 lbs more than you could lift otherwise. Thanks a lot for the guy that made me lift 225lbs off his chest when he probably could only do 100. And thanks for asking me afterwards if I had to help you much. Um yeah, I didn't want to come over and straddle the bench while you were on it and grunt like a caveman trying to lift it off you (see Grunters above). Lucky I didn't fart on your face. (see "farters" below)

-Those Swiss Balls - Great for ab and core work but make sure you've got a spot (but note "give me a spot" above). The guy that was standing on the 65" ball and doing squats with the 45 lb bar and 25's on each side is asking for it. Yeah he was a big guy but that was also why we all found it funny when you fell crashing to the ground breaking the mirror and probably all your pride.

-Swiss Balls part 2 - While doing dumbell chest presses on a swiss ball, it is important to have someone help you lift the weights initially when you are lifting heavy. Trying to balance 65lb dumbells in each hand and lifting one knee to get it into position while balancing is asking for trouble. I have a big scar on my elbow from the consequent falling off the ball and crashing to the ground scenario. And to the 20 year old, 90 lb girl that asked if I needed help and a spot, "No." and I hope to God that I never see you again.

-Finally (for now), the farters. We've all done it. All that pressure pushing weight. The protein powder and who knows what other supplement we've taken to upset our stomachs. But have the courtesy to go somewhere else afterwards if not during. When you sit beside me, you make me gag which is tough to lift through. And worse yet, people probably think it was me.

See you soon

Boyd died today. This morning I got a call at the office saying that he died a few minutes earlier. I got to the hospital in time to talk to his son but before he'd had a chance to tell his mom. It was good to see him finally out of the misery of tough breathing and pain. A man that was so invigorated by life itself should not be forced to live like that. It just wasn't who he was.

When I went to visit last night, I had a strong feeling that it might be the last time I would get to talk to him. His wife and son were there all night but for some reason they weren't there when I got there. I got to have a few words with him by ourselves. I read some Scripture and prayed. I shared a bit about how special he was to me and our church. His wife always said that hearing me pray and holding his hand made him feel at ease. He liked it when I visited but having other stuff to do, I would always leave him with a prayer and telling him that I'd see him again soon. Last night was a chance for me to say good bye. And while he wasn't responsive at all, I'm sure he heard.

This morning, I just sat there and as I always feel around situations like this, totally lost for words. I guess I've learned that it's okay not to say anything and just to be there but every time, I feel like I wish there were something I could do. But this was a God thing. Just as life is. And I needed to just trust this family into God's hands.

We miss you Boyd. But we'll see you again soon.

Great things

Since i've done so much complaining on here, I thought I'd post 10 of my favorite things (in no particular order):

-a well set X ball when I'm the second hitter and I realize as I jump that the blocker went with the quick.

-making a pin point pass in hockey and the other player burying the puck.

-any time I can bury the puck myself.

-good worship and singing/playing my heart out.

-Haagen Dazs Raspberry Gelato.

-A big bowl of Pho on a cold day or a good Chinese dinner at May Wah.

-Hung Dow Jook in the fridge.

-snuggling with my kids or hearing them laugh.

-when people laugh at my jokes.

-a can of perfectly chilled Coke in the summer.

Stupid people

Okay. Seriously.

-A guy has been emailing me about registering for hockey. He's emailed about 15 times. Basically he can't play because his schedule won't let him be flexible with days off. First he wants an exact schedule NOW for the fall/winter of next season. That's impossible. So then he says, "why can't you just give me only weekend games?" I explain the whole, "well there's 400 other people in the league" thing. He doesn't get it. He wants me to discount the games that he doesn't play.

-That goes with the guy that wanted me to phone him to let him know when he had hockey games because he doesn't have access to the internet. Again, I explain the whole "400 people in the league thing" and he doesn't get why it's such a big deal to just call him. Firstly, you are an idiot. The world doesn't revolve around you. Secondly, get out of the stone ages. No internet access? Are you serious? Heard of a library? Do you have any friends? Wait, forget that last question.

-$46. That was the total of the bill that the lady in front of me at the 15 items or less counter. Her son even counted out over 30 items as he unloaded HER CART! I was standing behind her with a newspaper and exact change. She doesn't let me go first. She just takes her time. Of course, I was in a big rush to get to my next appointment as well.

-When I'm driving a bus, don't pull out right in front of me when I'm stopping at a light or when I'm ripping down the highway at 90 kph. First off, I'm a much bigger vehicle and I'd crush you like a toothpick if I ran into you. Second, I can't stop like you can because of the aforementioned mass and inertia. (take Physics if you don't know what that is) And EVEN if I could stop or slow down, thanks to you, it will now take me about 20 minutes to get up to that speed again. Thanks pal.

-When we eat out and split the bill, look at what you ordered ROUNDING UP. Usually prices are like $14.95 so rounding up is the way to go. I've yet to see a menu item be $11.05. Don't forget to add your drink, dessert, appetizer and whatever else you felt like gorging yourself with. When it's all added up, move the decimal point over one spot (ie. $14.95 would now be $1.495) and double it (so 1.495 is close to $1.50 which doubled would then be $3.00). Add that to your total and that will be what you owe INCLUDING TAX AND A TIP! (So if you owed $14.95 that would be about $18.00 you'd leave). Don't expect other people to pay for you when you go out. You don't think people know who you are?!? Trust me, everyone knows and they talk about you when you aren't there. Here's a typical youth group situation. We go out as a group of 8 people. The bill total is $110. People leave $80. Thanks a lot. My meal now cost me about $50 as I am having to cover the $15 I owe plus the $40 we're short - and that's if we leave less than a 10% tip to cover the huge mess you left when you thought it would be funny to be loud, obnoxious and put all the salt into your drink and mix it with cream and everything else you can find.

-Along that line, if other people put in a big tip, the polite thing is to leave it in there. Please don't subsidize your meal by taking MY tip because you think it's too big. You want to subsidize your meal? Then scrape my plate and fill my pop. If you don't do that, then just let me tip whoever I want whatever amount I want to because it's my money and I feel like it.

atmosphere

Another visit to the hospital today. I promised Boyd that since he couldn't come to church, that church would have to come to him. So I worked on a short sermon, a couple prayers, and some readings that I'd heard him talk about the last while. He couldn't say anything but I could tell he liked it. He even gave his trademark smile and handshake of steel.

It was a very different service. The super loud toilets that institutions have must have flushed at least twice in the room. It was hard to talk over the voices of other people there for the other patient in the room. There were tons of machines and other sounds in the hospital. We were cramped and there was absolutely no privacy. The air in that section of the hospital had a musty hospital smell like urine, sweat and other body odors.

But it made me wonder if that is how that Scripture is meant to be read. Particularly Psalms like that one. How can anyone appreciate the imagery in that text when we sit in comfortable pews (or not so comfortable) and in a church sanctuary that is warm and the atmosphere somewhat artificial? Have we sanitized the Gospel? There was something very right about a service in the context of real life. For the most part, I like order in a service. Having a form and order gives comfort and I think is very Biblical. But Presbyterians order worship too much. You don't get a sense of that order in Biblical worship. And there definitely isn't that order in real life. If we want people to really grow, it's time to unsanitize worship.

Perspective

Boyd sits in the second row at the right outside aisle of the church. He's always wearing his best and whenever he sees me, he gets a big smile on his face and greets me with "Reverend." His wife sits beside him but Boyd is usually the one to do the talking. Ever since I met him a year and a half ago, our conversations are always about how good God is and how amazed he is that he is alive after being close to death more times than he can remember. But he's articulate, smart and has a handshake grip that can make you cringe if you aren't careful.

But tonight, Boyd is dying. He's given orders to his doctor to take the medication away and let him go. There won't be another near death experience. This time he's going to be with his Lord for good. He can barely talk now because he hasn't eaten in a week. Sometimes he forgets where he is or what's happening. His handshake is still firm though.

I asked him how he feels about dying. He said he's okay. It's time. And then he mutters a few words that I can hardly make out. "God is faithful to me Chris. He always has been. I shouldn't even have been here this long." I just about lose it. I do about the only thing I could do. I start praying and the whole time his eyes are closed and his breathing shallow. Boyd's favorite Psalm is Psalm 23 and every time I've prayed this week I've used that imagery. It seems to calm him down. Tonight, Boyd was reciting it under his breath.

I've been around dying people quite a bit in ministry. It's part of life and I'm comfortable with it more or less. But there's something about this guy that's different. Since last Sunday, I've been there twice a day almost every day because it's where my thoughts and prayers are. I've been almost awestruck how he can be so thankful even with the kind of week he's had.

Just before I left, he looked at his wife of 37 years and said, "you've always been there with me. Thank you." We all wiped tears away.

I don't really care whether the Canucks win or lose tonight. I don't really care if I ever lace skates and play hockey anymore. Right now, I don't really care whether I drive a nice car or pay my debts off. I'd be really happy to have the kind of ministry to others that Boyd, on his death bed, has had on this young pastor. I'd be really happy to be known as someone thankful for the time he's had with those he loves.

Why is Friday good?

I just finished a Good Friday service at the church. Basically a service of readings leading up to the crucifixion and death of Jesus. I'm reading the narrator part - which includes prodominantly playing the part of Jesus. I've read these Scriptures literally a thousand times. I've preached and led Bible studies about these texts many times. I've written papers at Regent about it. But tonight, it wasn't technical. And it wasn't complicated.

Jesus loves me. Not a little bit. A lot. Enough to be beaten for something I did. Enough to be left all alone because of me. Enough to be ridiculed and shamed so that I wouldn't have to be. Why is Easter the best day of the year? Because it's MY holiday. It's Jesus dying for ME. It's the power of the resurrection for ME. If that's not amazing, nothing is.

playing volleyball

I went out to volleyball again recently after not playing at all for the last couple years. I was never a total natural at it but it was something that I took pride in during my time in Vancouver. Playing in mens tournaments and beach tournaments around (and even winning the odd one here and there) gave me some identity around it. There were days where I remember playing in a tournament and having people say that they had to key on me!

So I went out to drop in here. First, volleyball on the island is kinda looked down on by people in Vancouver. There are a few decent players here but for the most part, Vancouver is a big city and whenever we'd play and an island team came, people kinda write them off. Second, drop in volleyball is known as where jungle ball, hackers play. People that might be athletic but aren't volleyball players. Or often not even that.

I go out and warm up. It's feeling pretty good. I've got my knee sleeve on and wearing a volleyball T-shirt from some tournament a couple years ago. My fingers are decent, I'm passing ok, arm swing feels as good as it ever has. I take a couple approaches to the net and my knee is feeling stronger than it has ever in the last two years.

The game starts and I'm in power. We receive the serve and the pass comes to the setter who puts up a high, definitely very hittable ball out towards me. I measure and take my approach and jump. I felt like I was FLYING! I was gonna pulverize the ball. The net wasn't even mens height - it was at junior boys. The middle blocker didn't come over. I was hanging for what seemed like forever when I hit the ball as hard as I could. Now first, when I hit the ball, I realized that I was barely over the net - so my vertical couldn't have been more than 6 inches. And I hit the ball RIGHT into the hands of the probably 70 year old man on the other side who decided last minute to jump sideways a bit and hold a hand in the air with his eyes closed and head turned away. The ball came straight back down into my court. Roofed. By a senior citizen.

I think that was his first block ever. His team congratulated him like he'd won the lottery. My team gave me the high five, "good try" comments. My next set, I pounded about 6 feet up on the back wall. And I think I mistimed another one and had it roll off my fingertips. I wasn't set again for about an hour. After that, people started covering for me and trying to give me "tips."

I hate getting old.

Swimming scare

Yesterday I took the kids swimming. As usual, it was chaotic getting them ready but it was going to be a fun day with Daddy. We have a slogan in our house - "a day with Daddy is a day with treats". So I had my chips ready, Tim Hortons, everything needed to keep it bearable.

But usually when we go swimming, it gets better. This time, it didn't. My kids were everywhere and into everything. It was the first time that I've ever had a problem with feeling outnumbered. Anyhow, after doing the waves and chasing them around the boat, I convinced them that the hot tub would be a fun place to go.

When we get there, I settle in and start to relax. When suddenly, my girl says she has to pee. Now, recently she says that a lot. The night before, I took her to the bathroom five times within about 5 minutes. And since both kids went before we swam, I figured it was another false alarm. So I told her to hold it.

When you are 2.5, I guess "holding it" means literally. So she peed into her hand - right there at the side of the hot tub. Not only that but she was making the grimacing faces like something else was moving inside her. So I'm freaking out but trying not to bring too much attention to the whole situation. But as scary as that was, that's not the scary part.

Next thing I hear is a panicked yell, "DADDY!" and I see Jordan slip into the hot tub a few feet away from me. I guess he had walked along the seat and didn't see the ledge. So down he goes and drops like a rock to the bottom of the hot tub. In a second I ran over to him but in the meantime, I catch a glimpse of his face - panicked, eyes and mouth open but motionless, underwater. Obviously, I got him out and he was only there for about 2 seconds but the sound of "Daddy!" and his facial expression are burned into my memory. I couldn't sleep last night because everytime I closed my eyes, that's all I could see.

God, please protect my kids. Protect everyone's kids. I can't even imagine.

how i've stayed happily married

With Kathleen being away for the weekend and being a bachelor again for a time, I thought I'd pass on a few things that I've found helpful in the past 10 years.

-Who cares who is right? 99% of the time, it doesn't matter.
-She's a little messy. I stink sometimes. Don't sweat the small stuff.
-Find ways to laugh. At yourselves, each other, other people - whatever.
-Life isn't fair. Sometimes it's you, sometimes it's her. In the end, it'll balance out.
-Celebrate your differences and encourage the other to have a life of their own.
-Flexibility. I learned this more when I had kids but being willing to change is always good.
-Keep learning and growing. It's easy to feel bored when you aren't doing anything new.
-I get by with a lot of help from my friends. Find some. Invest in them. No one has all their needs met by their spouse.
-Find ways to show she means more than whatever else. Life is always more urgent, more pressing, more important - until it's too late. Make time, spend money - whatever.
-Pray. Lots. For yourself. For her. For courage to do the other 9 things above.

The conference

I was just rereading my last post and it sounds so cynical. I don't think i'm really that cynical - I hope. I am critical though of the church and Christians in general cause i think a lot of times, the non christians have a point that we are irrelevant or judgemental or hypocritical or whatever. What ever happened to just normal? Kevin and I went and watched a private screening of the movie Amazing Grace. A good show. But then the movie ends and the crowd has to start singing the hymn. Why?!? It's corny. Anyhow, there i go bashing Christians again. I'm one of them and proud of it. And I know I'm irrelevant, judgemental, and hypocritial too. (I don't think I'm really that corny) That's probably why it bugs me so much too - kinda like ex smokers being the hardest on smokers. I see it in myself and don't like it.

Anyhow, the conference itself was really good. The highlights had to be the Children of the World choir that sang the first day, the comedians and the concert Sat night. The kids choir was awesome because of their sincerity and energy. Wow, they were good. I had tears in my eyes when the kids came down the aisles hugging people. I got hugged by a girl about 6 years old.

The comedians were really funny too. Poked fun at Christian stuff. Not at God - but everything manmade about Christianity. All the Christian ideosyncracies. It actually made us remember what Christianity is all about - taking God really seriously but ourselves and our structures not so seriously. I laughed a lot. Not corny at all.

On Sat night, Delirious and Rebecca St. James had a concert. They were really good. A super intimate concert. More a worship time than anything else. They just shared like we were in their church. Very cool.

I never used to like conferences but now I actually really enjoy them. It's like school without papers and exams. I can just glean what i want and when i'm tired or need to zone out, i can without feeling guilty. This was probably more a reminder to me of why I'm in ministry than anything else. It's from a desire to want to share hope in Christ. Hope of a better life. Hope of a better future. Hope of heaven and eternity with Jesus.

On Wednesday night, I was watching a Canucks hockey game from my hotel room. Every time the Canucks scored, I cheered even though I was all by myself. I couldn't contain the excitement. They are MY team!

Why don't I have the same excitement about ministry anymore? Why not about worship? Why not about Easter and resurrection?

The conference was a step in the right direction.

On Americans

Everytime I come down here I forget how different it is from Canada...

Everywhere you drive, there's fast food places. They are all labelled on signs along the highway and have huge signs outside the restaurant. Being on a healthier eating kick, I asked the hotel lady where a healthy restaurant was. She said, "what? Like Taco time?!?" TACO TIME? That's their impression of healthy food? I just laughed.

People are just ruder. Any indecision on the road gets a finger. It's kinda like honking a horn in Vancouver. Honking a horn in Duncan is considered really offensive and rude. But in Vancouver, it's just part of driving anywhere. No big deal. The finger is that here. No big deal - just letting people know that you are there. Or maybe they were just telling me what they think of my BC license plate.

Try asking for directions or getting service at a restaurant. It's brutal. People are just really quick and rude. Now I know why Canadians are known for being too kind - or why Americans wear Canadian flags when they travel.

I was at a Christian conference here and was walking through the exhibit hall where people set up their missions booths etc. (I hate walking through places like this cause they are like the carnies baiting you over to their booth - vultures....). Anyhow, I look up and caught a guy's eye and before I could walk away, I was listening to his speel. Then out of the blue, he goes, "are you Chinese?" I say, "yeah" and then it's this uncomfortable second where no one says anything. I'm thinking that he's just weird because it came out of the blue and had no real purpose. And then he says, "well I don't hold that against you. My wife's sister married a Chinese." I'm not sure how to take that ignorance and stupidity.

Finally, people are fat here. Not everyone obviously but a LOT of people. It's no wonder with all the fast food restaurants. But also, the sizes of everything is halarious. I ordered a large coke last night at the mall and I swear it was bigger than super big gulp size. There are seats every two steps in the mall and everywhere. (even in the church) It's probably because people are so out of shape that they need to sit! Crazy.

Egos

What makes a goal so much better than an assist? Why is it so important to be first? Why is it important for people to recognize what we do? Can't we just feel good that we did it? Why is it better to be an upfront person than a behind the scenes one? Why is it so important to be right? Or to have the last word. Or to know the answer to every question. Or have an opinion about everything.

I hate people that are ego driven. And then I realize that I'm one. My prayer is that I'll honestly believe that a life full of assists is as valuable as one full of goals.

Why I dress down to go to work

I was at a ministerial meeting the other day. I looked around the room and saw a bunch of people that I'm growing to like a lot but look nothing like me. They are older and for the most part, people that's lives centre mostly around their work. They are all in dress pants, ties, suits and some in clerical collars. I am in ripped jeans and a T shirt. That's about as dressy as I get around the church unless its Sunday. Granted, I don't give this huge thought or to make any kind of theological or other statement but when she mentioned it to me, I have gotten used to just being me - everywhere I go.

Why would I wear something that I'm going to feel stuffy in when I'd much rather wear something else? Why spend hundreds of dollars on suits and ties to wear to work when the majority of people that come in to talk to me will just be wearing a baseball hat and shorts? Or worse yet, I'll just be locked in my office writing a sermon anyways?

It's hard for anyone to hear us say things like, "we're just like you in the eyes of God" when we talk with words that no one understands, in a weird "pastor" voice, wearing a clerical collar and look nothing like a normal person. I feel like I'm acting like someone I'm not. And if I'm pretending, no wonder other people call me a hypocrite. Those that say that when we're pastors, we no longer are speaking on behalf of ourselves but rather God, I'd say that all of us are supposed to represent God. Pastors are just people called to serve, preach the Gospel and provide leadership within the church. But so is everyone - just in a different place with different people. Authentic witness starts with being authentic ourselves.

So that's why I dress down. And why I'll never wear a clerical collar.

Why I love my kids

Everytime I come home, the same thing happens. My daughter runs up and says, "hi daddy! hi daddy!" (and more recently) "I miss you Daddy!" Even if it's just that I went out to my car for a second, that same thing happens. My son is too cool for that now. "hi dad" is about all I get if I can pry his attention away from whatever he's doing. But if I come over and spend a minute getting into what he's doing, he instantly lights up. Among the many things that tell me I'm getting old is that I no longer know how to play with action figures. I'm not sure where we learn to do it but it ISN'T like riding a bike. He doesn't care that I don't know how. As any dad, I just fake it when I play but it just isn't fun for him when Brutaka starts preaching a sermon or Reidak plays hockey.

I'm the king of the universe to these kids. I can do anything. My son tells me that when I'm 100, we'll have to move because the roof will be too low for how tall I'll be. My daughter puts her head against my shoulder as we watch TV and says a spontaneous, "I love you Daddy.".

I know there's gonna be a day when this stops happening but for now, there's nothing like it.