I had a friend that was a worship leader in the Vineyard church. He was a great guy that travelled with his band making Vineyard CD's etc. But (broad stereotype coming here) he was one of those 'typical' Vineyard guys that wore his emotions on his sleeve all the time and regularly cried through worship sets. I got the opportunity to be his roommate during a retreat and it was awesome getting the chance to learn and pray with this guy.
A while after that retreat ended, he was sharing with me about a conversation he'd had with his senior pastor. Basically, the senior pastor was concerned because the worship that he was leading wasn't as moving as it sometimes was. My friend wasn't playing as emotionally (meaning he wasn't crying as much) and it was seeming dry. After sharing with his senior pastor that personally, he was struggling with some stuff and so it was just coming through in his worship leadership, his senior pastor said this to him. "Well can't you just fake it for a while? It's your job to lead people into worship. You need to be able to do that even when you don't feel like it."
At the time, I remember thinking how horrible that was. Faking it?!? That's exactly everything that people that don't like Christians and the church say about us. How could a senior pastor ask a leader to just fake it?
The past while I've just felt hugely spiritually attacked. I'm not one of those 'everything is a demon' kinda guys but the past while, it's really just been oppressive and it's taken almost everything just to fire off the simplest prayer with sincerity or passion. Maybe it's because I'm going to camp soon (which is sometimes/often is) or maybe it's because the senior pastor is going away and I'm going to be 'it' for a while. Or whatever. But it's been tough.
So what do I do on Sunday morning? How do I preach or pray or lead when I feel blah towards God? Simply put, I fake it. I don't pretend that God and I are super chummy or anything but I do need to act in faith even when I don't feel it. I'm doing the best I can to do the right things but it is disciplined work right now and not the joyfilled work it sometimes is.
People often ask what the toughest part of the job is. Hands down - it's trying to keep my personal spiritual life growing with integrity so that I can be authentic.
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I do agree that we have to have faith even when we don't feel like it. Although, I don't believe we have to fake it. The Psalms offers a phrase "Praise the Lord O my soul Praise the Lord." You may have to keep saying it as a prayer. We just need to be real. The way the Spirit moves is great. It doesn't mean we always have to be emotional. It does mean we have to be sensitive to His Spirit.
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