about school

I won't lie. This is a blatant procrastination from writing my final paper for DM711 - Exploring the Contours of Ministry. But since I haven't written in awhile - I might as well dump some of my thoughts about starting the DMin program.

Everyone asks me why I'm doing this. There will be no pay increase when I'm done - yet it costs me probably around $30k all said and done. It will likely take up 80% of my free time for the next 3-4 years. I'm asking my family to make sacrifices as Dad just won't be around as much. I have zero intention of leaving my job - although I am actually working MORE so I can be "above reproach" in terms of compromising work for school. On the surface, there are zero reasons for studying.

Unless the reasons don't have to do with "success" as much as "faithfulness". A wise man once said that we aren't judged by God for what we do. We're judged based on what God asked us to do that we did. That's the essence of faithfulness. If schooling was about getting a job, making money, opening up opportunities, proving our worth - worldly success - then there's no point. But I'd argue that school should never be about those things as much as the lessons behind those things. Simply put, I am studying because God wants me there. I am blessed with a questioning brain and some capacity for learning. I have a wife that is somewhat the same and super supportive. We have a family motto that we do our best (we dib-dib-dib-dib and dob-dob-dob-dob) with the gifts that God has given us.

I'd be lying if there weren't other things in there sometimes (like pride, insecurity etc.) but it's all there whether I study or not and I'm hoping that these 4 years will be more about me becoming more like Christ than anything to do with me being a better - anything. My friends have all heard me say this before but some people can discipline their lives for growth on their own. I am paying $30k to force myself to do it. On my weaker days, I feel selfish for asking my family, friends and others to put up with it all. On my better days, I hope that I can encourage everyone to be more selfish in being the best them that they can be - at whatever cost to me.

I've spent a good part of my ministry life feeling unqualified and unworthy because someone in a denomination told me that I didn't meet the standards. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it wasn't formative and hurtful. For the greater part of 10 years, I've prayed that God would allow me back to school and ordained so I could be qualified and worthy - so I could show off and get respected. But God never gave me permission. It's taken a couple great churches and some exceptional people to help me to understand that in God's eyes, God truly qualifies the called and we are all worthy - not by anything other than God's grace alone. Any number of university degrees doesn't change that. The number of books published, dollars earned, sermons preached, even other lives impacted - doesn't make me any more or less valuable than I was when I was first knit together by God. To those in my past that didn't understand that yet, I pray you'll find those churches and people that will unlock that for you. It's the most freeing thing ever - being able to forgive yourself for being yourself.

My favorite theologian once said that he'd hoped that when he dies, people say "well he wasn't that bad of a guy." I'd love to have even half of his humility and Christlikeness.

stuff i take for granted

When we arrived back yesterday, Adam's son Liam (who's 5?) was so excited to see his dad come home. I watched his face light up as he saw him and ran to him. I never want to forget how awesome it is to have a family that genuinely loves to see me. As the kids get older though, these kind of moments get farther between so I thought I'd better write some of this down.

Many dads only get to see their kids for an hour or so after they come home from work and before they go to bed. I'm lucky to get to get them ready in the morning as well.

There are definitely limitations to being a girl with a dad at home in the morning. I usually forget to ask her to brush her hair. She never has pigtails or cool braids. My wife rolls her eyes at the clothing choices that sometimes she makes and I allow her to wear to school. I wish I could be a better dad to her. She doesn't like hockey or sports that much. We like to do different things. She's as stereotypical feminine as it gets. And, (to the two of us that might actually read this), we both know I'm as masculine as it comes. But I have such a special place in my heart for this girl. What I hope I have taught her is to be proud of who she is - with or without pigtails and matching clothes. Be proud to express who you are - because we're sure proud parents.

Jordan on the other hand, doesn't really care for cartoons in the morning like Rachel does. He's really just waiting for school. He's dressed while Rachel will still be in PJs. He eats buttered toast (6 quarters of bread) or waffles while Rachel eats whatever she can get away with. Jordan watches sports highlights just as he did 12 hours earlier while getting ready for bed. I couldn't imagine having to wait 12 hours to see the outcome of a game. He's always got his hockey stick in his hands - even in the morning. When I was 9, I was riding my bike over homemade ramps with hockey cards in the spokes, playing atari and flicking hockey cards. Point being - I remember it well and have great memories of those days. I hope Jordan has great memories of these days with his dad.

visiting people

No one teaches pastors how to visit people. I remember half a class in supervised ministry that we dealt with the subject of emergency pastoral care - funerals, hospital visits, crisis intervention etc. If you asked 95% of people in the world about what was the most important function of the pastor, they would probably say something to do with emergency pastoral care or helping people to cope with crisis and emergencies.

As much as I love preaching and leading, the most rewarding part of ministry has been discipling people through significant life events like these. I've learned so much about living through being with people that are dying. My entire philosophy around grace filled living has been because I've had the privilege of being around people much smarter than I and more gifted than I - die before their time, struggle with more than they should and get dealt a much worse hand than they should have. I've seen courage where there should have been only fear. Strength when people should be weak. Forgiveness and love when people have every right to be angry and bitter.

As a pastor, the most common question I get asked is how do I do it? As in, how can I be around these tough situations? It usually follows with an "it takes a special person to...". But honestly, the capacity for people to cope, adapt and grow is huge. Pastors don't manufacture that in people. It's already there. My role is to identify it and name it. Sometimes that courage is veiled as obligation or duty. Forgiveness and love is seen as weakness. Sometimes it's a bit more difficult in that there are some layers to peel back before that resilience can be seen. It's still really a matter of listening and figuring out what are the right questions to ask. It's being a good observer. Seeing how God is already working in that life - or that situation - because He always is - and then naming it for people when they are ready to see it.

It's a shame that there isn't more taught about this in seminary. Instead, they teach about a lot of stuff that frankly no one in the world really cares all that much about. I went to a good seminary but even there, we talked more ABOUT mission than actually doing it. We talked about God's intersections in life - but we don't really train our pastors to do those intersections well. Instead, it's a crash course and I fear its a lost art especially among young evangelical pastors that are 'specialists' rather than generalists. In that environment, we would stay away from what we aren't good at and stick to our strengths. But what 25 year old is comfortable around extended care facilities, waiting in emergency rooms, sitting in intensive care units overnight and being called to meet with an unknown extended family of someone that has just died way before they should have. No one is comfortable there. It's a scary place to be. But it's where the Gospel has made the most difference in the life of this now middle aged pastor.