mishaps in the weight room

Working out is one of my favorite things to do - most of the time. Here's a few reasons why not:

-Fitness World Kits - the spandex lady. There's this one red headed woman probably about 60 years old that wears a sin tight leopard print bathing suit to work out. She's a big time cougar and really likes doing those leg adductor machines and step ups. Thanks for the intro Sean!

-Hip machines and the aforementioned leg adductor machine - Ok, this machine is reserved for cute girls only. You know which one I'm talking about. The one where you sit in the chair with your legs straight out in front of you and push/pull your legs apart. There is nothing worse than seeing a guy using it. Um...you have equipment there that is VERY unattractive when you spread your legs apart. These machines are for CUTE GIRLS ONLY.

-The Grunters - Why draw attention to yourself when you work out? Grunting of that volume is reserved for the privatest moments on the lid - not while the weight room is full.

-The Clangers - Don't drop weights onto the floor or clang them at the top of the rep at 100 miles an hour. It's annoying and if you are big enough to lift em, you're big enough to do the negative and put them down.

-The Posers - Again, this is a privacy thing. You look dumb when you pose in a mirror at the gym. Yes, everyone is looking at you but no, you don't look cool for doing it. We all know you are a big boy for working out. So wait til you get home or at least go into a private room.

-"give me a spot" - that doesn't mean to put on 100 lbs more than you could lift otherwise. Thanks a lot for the guy that made me lift 225lbs off his chest when he probably could only do 100. And thanks for asking me afterwards if I had to help you much. Um yeah, I didn't want to come over and straddle the bench while you were on it and grunt like a caveman trying to lift it off you (see Grunters above). Lucky I didn't fart on your face. (see "farters" below)

-Those Swiss Balls - Great for ab and core work but make sure you've got a spot (but note "give me a spot" above). The guy that was standing on the 65" ball and doing squats with the 45 lb bar and 25's on each side is asking for it. Yeah he was a big guy but that was also why we all found it funny when you fell crashing to the ground breaking the mirror and probably all your pride.

-Swiss Balls part 2 - While doing dumbell chest presses on a swiss ball, it is important to have someone help you lift the weights initially when you are lifting heavy. Trying to balance 65lb dumbells in each hand and lifting one knee to get it into position while balancing is asking for trouble. I have a big scar on my elbow from the consequent falling off the ball and crashing to the ground scenario. And to the 20 year old, 90 lb girl that asked if I needed help and a spot, "No." and I hope to God that I never see you again.

-Finally (for now), the farters. We've all done it. All that pressure pushing weight. The protein powder and who knows what other supplement we've taken to upset our stomachs. But have the courtesy to go somewhere else afterwards if not during. When you sit beside me, you make me gag which is tough to lift through. And worse yet, people probably think it was me.