Giving our worst to God

I'm a perfectionist. People wouldn't know it to meet me because I hide it in an air of clumbsiness and spontenaeity but I expect a lot from myself and can beat myself up pretty good when I don't meet my own expectations. I know the root of it is pride. Somewhere inside, I think I'm better than other people so while I can forgive and give grace to others, I can't do it to myself. I tell myself I shouldn't make mistakes. I'm better than that. Perfectionism is a sin like any other and I'm working on it. When I'm not working on it, I'm just hiding it I guess.

It gets said a lot that we need to give our best to those we love. We should give our best for God - or for our spouse or for our kids. For me, the best I have to give is my worst.

It's a lot harder for me to be vulnerable, broken, incomplete, a work in progress than to give the things I do best. It's hard to show my weakness, my insecurity, my "no matter how hard I try I still screw things up". Because I'm a perfectionist and to show that is to bare my soul. What will others do with it? What will God do with that? It's true vulnerability for me and I hate it.

But it's what has given strength to relationships. I can honestly say that Kathleen will love me no matter what because she's done it when it's been hard or next to impossible - because I've been far from lovable. Far from a trophy husband. Far from sometimes even being a civilized human being. She sees my hypocracies and knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

That's why I like to sing and play my guitar. It's not because I'm good at it. I know I'm not. It's because it's the thing that I give to God that is truly me. I'm pouring my heart out and baring my soul doing something that's outside of my comfort zone. It's surrender for me to play - or dance - or anything else that isn't natural to me. I'm far from an accomplished musician. Far from an accomplished Christian. I'm the worst hypocrite sometimes. But God loves me anyways. That's why I know God will love me no matter what. Because he already has. He loves to hear my missed chords, missed beats, out of tune notes because THAT is me showing God that I'm willing to even give my worst to Him. It's admitting that I need Him and that without Him, I'd be nothing. I live much of my life hiding that fact. I hope I learn my lesson soon.