Why being an older brother is harder.

-I've been spanked more on the index finger of my right hand than my brother's whole body.

-When I get presents for special occasions like my wedding, people like my family still think they need to be "fair" so they give him stuff too. When he gets married, will there be "fairness" gifts? I don't think so.

-When my parents wanted me to do stuff, they just told me to do it or else (I'd get spanked. I'd be grounded. etc.). When my parents wanted my brother to do stuff, they paid him.

-I showed my parents first how disappointing having kids can be because I'll never be the "perfect Chinese kid". But it was an uphill battle fighting to NOT play the piano (for about 5-6 years!) or to NOT have to get straight A's! By the time my brother came around, he quit piano the first time he asked. He got a C+? Maybe just pay him $5 instead of $10...

-It seems very important that my parents groom an independent spirit in me. "Get a job because we're charging you rent!" "We're not feeding you anymore. You eat too much." "We got by without help. Why can't you?" were a few ways that came out. Why is it so much more important for me to be independent?

-My parents simply just love Eric more than me.

When there's nothing to say

I had a friend that was a worship leader in the Vineyard church. He was a great guy that travelled with his band making Vineyard CD's etc. But (broad stereotype coming here) he was one of those 'typical' Vineyard guys that wore his emotions on his sleeve all the time and regularly cried through worship sets. I got the opportunity to be his roommate during a retreat and it was awesome getting the chance to learn and pray with this guy.

A while after that retreat ended, he was sharing with me about a conversation he'd had with his senior pastor. Basically, the senior pastor was concerned because the worship that he was leading wasn't as moving as it sometimes was. My friend wasn't playing as emotionally (meaning he wasn't crying as much) and it was seeming dry. After sharing with his senior pastor that personally, he was struggling with some stuff and so it was just coming through in his worship leadership, his senior pastor said this to him. "Well can't you just fake it for a while? It's your job to lead people into worship. You need to be able to do that even when you don't feel like it."

At the time, I remember thinking how horrible that was. Faking it?!? That's exactly everything that people that don't like Christians and the church say about us. How could a senior pastor ask a leader to just fake it?

The past while I've just felt hugely spiritually attacked. I'm not one of those 'everything is a demon' kinda guys but the past while, it's really just been oppressive and it's taken almost everything just to fire off the simplest prayer with sincerity or passion. Maybe it's because I'm going to camp soon (which is sometimes/often is) or maybe it's because the senior pastor is going away and I'm going to be 'it' for a while. Or whatever. But it's been tough.

So what do I do on Sunday morning? How do I preach or pray or lead when I feel blah towards God? Simply put, I fake it. I don't pretend that God and I are super chummy or anything but I do need to act in faith even when I don't feel it. I'm doing the best I can to do the right things but it is disciplined work right now and not the joyfilled work it sometimes is.

People often ask what the toughest part of the job is. Hands down - it's trying to keep my personal spiritual life growing with integrity so that I can be authentic.

VISA bills

I watch people go to great lengths to make sure their VISA receipts total even numbers. They squeeze the gas pump 10x just to make sure it's a 'perfect' pump - $40.00 even. Then whenever they buy food, the total is $22.17 and they do the math to make a $2.83 tip so it totals an even number. On and on it goes.

Here's my question. When does a VISA bill ever come to an even number? And even if it did, who pays a VISA bill in person anymore? It's paid electronically and if you pay it through your bank electronically, who cares whether it is an even total?

So be a man. Do the right thing.

impossible questions

I'm not usually someone short for words. I like questions. Most of the time, I can take a stab at an answer and even though it'll rarely be more than a personal opinion, I like the challenge. But consistently, there is one person that stumps me all the time and leaves me wondering what to say.

My 5 year old son Jordan.

Yesterday, he asked me what 'balls' do. Now i was really hoping he was referring to basketballs, volleyballs, soccer balls etc. but that wasn't his question. It was the one every boy asks at one point or another.

I hmmed and hawwed about it for a bit. Kathleen, my nurse wife, was right there but didn't pipe in with her nursey mom wisdom. She just looked at me and waited - probably laughing inside. After what in my mind seemed like an eternity - but was probably a couple seconds - I started my answer.

They are what God gave us to make babies. Great answer right? I thought so. But before I could pat myself on the back, "No dad. Babies come from mommies tummies." Crap. Then my politician instincts kicked in. I talked around it for a while. Got technical without really saying anything. And after about 3 minutes of this, he looks up at me again no longer with a questioning look on his face. I'm proud of the job I've done as a dad explaining this to a 5 yr old.

How does he thank me? By saying "Wow. My hands are wrinkly."

Thank God for kids. They remind me not to take things too seriously.

wisdom

Well Whistler was an awesome time. As it always is. Great to see everyone and nothing beats a hot day playing volleyball with good friends.

One of the friends of a 'used to be' friend stayed with us. He's a pothead. Thankfully he is a somewhat considerate pothead knowing that not all people enjoy 'blazing'. I'm not sure what it is about potheads but every one of them I've ever met really likes to theologize and have a philosophy on things that they assume everyone wants to know.

During one conversation I overheard, he took about 10 minutes explaining why there is such a low blood alcohol limit to drive. Obviously, he knows how much he can drink and still be in control and it should be his right to choose and moderate himself. Obviously, it is a government ploy to get money and remind us prohibition times. However, he DOES believe in seatbelts because he lost a friend to a car accident where seatbelts would have saved his life. In another long pontification, he told us about why he likes rain. It reminds him that forest fires are kept down. We just worship the sun because it is a marketing tool for big companies. But NATURE likes rain. On and on he goes.

Here's the part I don't get. People LIKE to listen to this guy! They call him smart. They call him reflective. He's even called spiritual. (and he frequently liked to say to me, "you should understand that - you're spiritual") If making incongruent, half baked statements of ill conceived observations makes someone wise, then I suppose they are right. So why is it that when a Christian opens their mouth about something from the Bible, we are called stupid for believing 'that stuff'. Smoke dope, play the drums, close your eyes and talk about your feelings about nature and you're wise. Attend church every week, read your Bible and believe in one of the oldest, most influential religeons of all time and you are ignorant. (and that's only from a secular point of view)

God takes the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. I just hope he's not talking about pothead.