On getting older

It's hard getting older once we are older.  When we're kids, getting older means a new stage of life opens up - a celebration of first steps, first day of school, first time driving, first dates, graduations.  When we're older, getting older means losing stages of life - no longer as fast, as strong, as smart, losing hair, losing health, losing time.  There is something that I know is calling us forward - wisdom, grace, comfort in our own skin, legacies we can leave - but i would be lying if I said that those things didn't come with a feeling of loss.  It actually feels like the cost of admission into the next stage of life.

In many ways,  I think middle age is like middle adolescence in that I'm not young and I'm not old - I'm stuck right in between and don't know which way to look.  It's exactly like being in a sailboat by myself in the middle of the lake as my friends are on both shores calling me forward and calling me backward at the same time.  I'm scared to go forward and as much as I want to go backward, it's impossible.  So on some days - like today - maybe it's okay to just sit here in the middle feeling alone - and honestly somewhat sad - not because I'm not back where I was (because I honestly wouldn't want to be there) but because I'm not where I want to be - and today, I don't have the strength to get any closer there.