Faster than a speeding bullet

We were driving back from Long Beach when Kathleen decided to play the Ungame.  I dislike that game - because it isn't a game at all (hence the title).  It's just a shameless attempt to get grunt-filled guys like me to answer questions about ourselves that we wouldn't otherwise volunteer.  To be fair, I really don't dislike it THAT much.  I just need to think of it as a "Let's talk about our feelings" time that nothing resembles a game.

During the game, Jordan was asked who his hero was.  At 10 years old, that is usually some professional athlete.  If he had his pastor's kid hat on, he could've said Jesus.  But without hesitation and with complete sincerity, he said, "It's my dad."

If that doesn't instill fear, trembling and a deep prayer life, then I'm not sure what would.  My kid thinks I'm his hero.  Heroes are people that you want to emulate, people that you admire that are larger than life.  Heroes are icons.  Superman is a hero.  Mother Teresa is a hero.  I have a litany of things that I am not good at but wish I was better.  I am too insecure, too selfish, too moody, too worldly and too Chris-like to be anyone's hero - let alone someone as precious as my first born son.  As touched as I was that he said me, there was a big part of me that wanted to turn around and tell him to aim a lot higher.

Someday really soon, he will find another hero - perhaps more worthy of the title - but knowing teenaged boys, probably not.  So I'll just treasure this one in my heart and pray that God's love will be made perfect through my weakness.  Through this cracked vessel, might God use me to shape my boy to become the best him there is.  Maybe one day Jordan, you'll read this blog trying to understand me better.  I'm a complicated mess son - someone that needs Jesus more than I'll ever care to admit in the Ungame.  So if there's anything in this hero I want you to see - is that all my superpowers come from God and my natural powers come from a love of you, your sister and your mom that seriously grows by the day.  I've told you every day of your life that I'm proud of you - which if you think about it a little bit - means that your my hero too.

about school

I won't lie. This is a blatant procrastination from writing my final paper for DM711 - Exploring the Contours of Ministry. But since I haven't written in awhile - I might as well dump some of my thoughts about starting the DMin program.

Everyone asks me why I'm doing this. There will be no pay increase when I'm done - yet it costs me probably around $30k all said and done. It will likely take up 80% of my free time for the next 3-4 years. I'm asking my family to make sacrifices as Dad just won't be around as much. I have zero intention of leaving my job - although I am actually working MORE so I can be "above reproach" in terms of compromising work for school. On the surface, there are zero reasons for studying.

Unless the reasons don't have to do with "success" as much as "faithfulness". A wise man once said that we aren't judged by God for what we do. We're judged based on what God asked us to do that we did. That's the essence of faithfulness. If schooling was about getting a job, making money, opening up opportunities, proving our worth - worldly success - then there's no point. But I'd argue that school should never be about those things as much as the lessons behind those things. Simply put, I am studying because God wants me there. I am blessed with a questioning brain and some capacity for learning. I have a wife that is somewhat the same and super supportive. We have a family motto that we do our best (we dib-dib-dib-dib and dob-dob-dob-dob) with the gifts that God has given us.

I'd be lying if there weren't other things in there sometimes (like pride, insecurity etc.) but it's all there whether I study or not and I'm hoping that these 4 years will be more about me becoming more like Christ than anything to do with me being a better - anything. My friends have all heard me say this before but some people can discipline their lives for growth on their own. I am paying $30k to force myself to do it. On my weaker days, I feel selfish for asking my family, friends and others to put up with it all. On my better days, I hope that I can encourage everyone to be more selfish in being the best them that they can be - at whatever cost to me.

I've spent a good part of my ministry life feeling unqualified and unworthy because someone in a denomination told me that I didn't meet the standards. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it wasn't formative and hurtful. For the greater part of 10 years, I've prayed that God would allow me back to school and ordained so I could be qualified and worthy - so I could show off and get respected. But God never gave me permission. It's taken a couple great churches and some exceptional people to help me to understand that in God's eyes, God truly qualifies the called and we are all worthy - not by anything other than God's grace alone. Any number of university degrees doesn't change that. The number of books published, dollars earned, sermons preached, even other lives impacted - doesn't make me any more or less valuable than I was when I was first knit together by God. To those in my past that didn't understand that yet, I pray you'll find those churches and people that will unlock that for you. It's the most freeing thing ever - being able to forgive yourself for being yourself.

My favorite theologian once said that he'd hoped that when he dies, people say "well he wasn't that bad of a guy." I'd love to have even half of his humility and Christlikeness.

stuff i take for granted

When we arrived back yesterday, Adam's son Liam (who's 5?) was so excited to see his dad come home. I watched his face light up as he saw him and ran to him. I never want to forget how awesome it is to have a family that genuinely loves to see me. As the kids get older though, these kind of moments get farther between so I thought I'd better write some of this down.

Many dads only get to see their kids for an hour or so after they come home from work and before they go to bed. I'm lucky to get to get them ready in the morning as well.

There are definitely limitations to being a girl with a dad at home in the morning. I usually forget to ask her to brush her hair. She never has pigtails or cool braids. My wife rolls her eyes at the clothing choices that sometimes she makes and I allow her to wear to school. I wish I could be a better dad to her. She doesn't like hockey or sports that much. We like to do different things. She's as stereotypical feminine as it gets. And, (to the two of us that might actually read this), we both know I'm as masculine as it comes. But I have such a special place in my heart for this girl. What I hope I have taught her is to be proud of who she is - with or without pigtails and matching clothes. Be proud to express who you are - because we're sure proud parents.

Jordan on the other hand, doesn't really care for cartoons in the morning like Rachel does. He's really just waiting for school. He's dressed while Rachel will still be in PJs. He eats buttered toast (6 quarters of bread) or waffles while Rachel eats whatever she can get away with. Jordan watches sports highlights just as he did 12 hours earlier while getting ready for bed. I couldn't imagine having to wait 12 hours to see the outcome of a game. He's always got his hockey stick in his hands - even in the morning. When I was 9, I was riding my bike over homemade ramps with hockey cards in the spokes, playing atari and flicking hockey cards. Point being - I remember it well and have great memories of those days. I hope Jordan has great memories of these days with his dad.

visiting people

No one teaches pastors how to visit people. I remember half a class in supervised ministry that we dealt with the subject of emergency pastoral care - funerals, hospital visits, crisis intervention etc. If you asked 95% of people in the world about what was the most important function of the pastor, they would probably say something to do with emergency pastoral care or helping people to cope with crisis and emergencies.

As much as I love preaching and leading, the most rewarding part of ministry has been discipling people through significant life events like these. I've learned so much about living through being with people that are dying. My entire philosophy around grace filled living has been because I've had the privilege of being around people much smarter than I and more gifted than I - die before their time, struggle with more than they should and get dealt a much worse hand than they should have. I've seen courage where there should have been only fear. Strength when people should be weak. Forgiveness and love when people have every right to be angry and bitter.

As a pastor, the most common question I get asked is how do I do it? As in, how can I be around these tough situations? It usually follows with an "it takes a special person to...". But honestly, the capacity for people to cope, adapt and grow is huge. Pastors don't manufacture that in people. It's already there. My role is to identify it and name it. Sometimes that courage is veiled as obligation or duty. Forgiveness and love is seen as weakness. Sometimes it's a bit more difficult in that there are some layers to peel back before that resilience can be seen. It's still really a matter of listening and figuring out what are the right questions to ask. It's being a good observer. Seeing how God is already working in that life - or that situation - because He always is - and then naming it for people when they are ready to see it.

It's a shame that there isn't more taught about this in seminary. Instead, they teach about a lot of stuff that frankly no one in the world really cares all that much about. I went to a good seminary but even there, we talked more ABOUT mission than actually doing it. We talked about God's intersections in life - but we don't really train our pastors to do those intersections well. Instead, it's a crash course and I fear its a lost art especially among young evangelical pastors that are 'specialists' rather than generalists. In that environment, we would stay away from what we aren't good at and stick to our strengths. But what 25 year old is comfortable around extended care facilities, waiting in emergency rooms, sitting in intensive care units overnight and being called to meet with an unknown extended family of someone that has just died way before they should have. No one is comfortable there. It's a scary place to be. But it's where the Gospel has made the most difference in the life of this now middle aged pastor.

some thoughts

This morning, I received an email from a friend in the church asking about church relevance - or lack of it - and why....here was my response:

When I started at Regent College, I got really really frustrated that I was living in a bubble that had nothing to do with what most of my friends and family cared about. I was studying the answers to questions that no one asked - or would ask. There seemed to be an idolatry of facts - things that people liked that they knew but had little earthly relevance. There was also an underlying critical spirit there that - while clothed in Christian generosity - was still a moral superiority complex. I made a decision that second year that I would no longer attend their compulsary small groups and hang around endlessly in the atrium as the other students did - but I would find a strong group of unchurched/"I don't know if they're churched" people and invest heavily there. I don't think the church - as a whole - is much different from my experience of Regent College those early years.

In the church, we tend to stay away from reality. We are afraid of saying that we don't know. We're afraid of the Bible not answering a question. Afraid that people will become polluted if we allow them to think for themselves or engage the world in any significant way. Truthfully, I think that we're afraid that admitting we don't know or the Bible doesn't say makes us unsure about our own faith because our experience of God has been too small and we're scared we may find that the one we've been following all this time has been wrong after all.

So instead, we've created an aquarium called church. And we swim around like little fish getting our food handed to us and happily swimming with all the other little fish in the castles and other structures that are in our fish tank. We try to lure others to come play in our aquarium. But real life - and the place that God has asked us to go - is the open ocean. And the aquarium just doesn't prepare us for the ocean. When we go out there, many of us lose our way because we're just unprepared.

All's this is to say that I think the answer to relevance in the church is so much deeper than showing movies and using an electric guitar in worship. It is allowing - even pushing - people to engage in world issues and the world's ideas in a meaningful way. When we do this, we tend to do it in the Sunday School way - let's study the world so we can see how bad it is. The truth is there's a lot out there that's good and we can actually learn from and I think we need to help people to make their own good decisions. There aren't two earths (one for Christians and one for non-Christians). There's just one and the church's role is to teach people how to live Christlike (not church like but Christlike). Bottom line: We need to equip people - not protect them. That's the Holy Spirit's job.

getting older

Today is my birthday and I'm totally okay with it. Somethings I've changed these past 10 years:

-I'm very content being me. 10 years ago, I was playing volleyball 3-4x a week, tournaments every weekend, working out every day. Now, I'm retired from volleyball and couldn't last a tournament if I tried. Working out every day just isn't a big priority anymore. I'm never going to be a star athlete - or even very coordinated - but I enjoy learning new things and meeting new people. I'm never going to be 6'2", 200lbs, cut/ripped/whatever you want to call it - and that's just fine. I'm not the best looking, best dressed, funniest, wealthiest, smartest - but I'm discovering how meaningless that stuff really is. I'm happy being me.

-I never knew how tough life could be 10 years ago. But I also never knew how great life could be. I suspect that will be the case 10 years from now. I'm very okay with that.

-During both really good times and really bad times, I think they will last forever. The truth is that things are never as bad as I think they are and they are probably not ever as good as I think they are. Life ebbs and flows. That's good with me.

-What used to make me really happy was connecting on a really nice set around 2 blockers (or with no blocker!) to win a volleyball tournament. What makes me happy now is a game winning goal in a tight hockey game. But I'd trade that in for 5 minutes on the couch with a kid in each arm. Right now, I get that every day. There isn't a luckier man around.

-Someone once told me that marriage gets better with time. In some ways, it gets easier. In some ways, it's harder. But in every way, it's better.

-10 years ago, I had a lot of what if's. I don't know what happened but I don't really care about the 'what if's' anymore because the 'what are's' are pretty amazing.

1 Cor 13 ends with saying that of all the meaningless things of this life, there's only three things that really matter - faith, hope and love. The older I get, the more I agree with that and it's all good with me.

passport photos

The concept of how we do passports is stupid. Every 5 years we have to get them done and get ripped off for pictures and fees. Because little kids have to get them after 2 years, my daughter has a different expiration date from the rest of the family - for the rest of her life!?

Anyhow, in it all, a cool experience. My son and I went to get our pictures done. He sits down on the chair and like we all do, the camera is pointed and we smile. She says, "don't smile. Just look normal." He says, "i'm usually smiling." or "normally I smile." Something along that line. She smiled. It warmed my heart. I have happy kids.

But he has a passport for 5 years where he looks sad.