It's strange but it took me three walks before I even looked up.  I literally spent hours walking around the lakes just staring at the ground and the immediate steps in front of me.  I suppose that's what everyone does when they walk but today, it struck me that I probably live my life this way as well - just focussed intently on what I'm about to do next making sure that I don't trip up or step in something I shouldn't.  The problem with that approach is that I miss 95% of what's out there.  It took me three days to notice there was more to the tree than the 10 feet I could see looking ahead.  In fact, it could be argued that the best part of the tree, the most beautiful part of the forest - is what's above me - and what I never noticed before today.  Have I missed what God is doing around me - the most beautiful parts of life - because I've failed to look up, look around?

Circles

I hate circles.   Give me a good straight line anyday.  Lines indicate progress.  You start one place and end at another.  Circles are pointless.  I walked 10k around the lake today and I discovered that walking around something is psychologically difficult for me.  There's no payoff at the end.  After a whole bunch of steps, I'm basically exactly where I started.  Each km marker was like someone was intentionally taunting me with how far I've come from being nowhere.  The other people on the trail had clearly arrived.  Running, walking, fishing - just doing what they wanted to be doing.  But me...I looked like everyone else but I disliked it.  At the 6k marker, there was a bench in the middle of nowhere.  Why would anyone want to stop midway?

That's the image of my sabbatical.  Maybe one day I'll learn to stop there and enjoy the trip instead of rushing to the end of a line that feels frustratingly circular.  Even better, maybe I'll learn to be more like Cherry who enjoyed every second of getting dirty and distracted...

10000 steps.  I have no idea where that phrase came from or why people say that it is the magic number towards good health.  For a guy that doesn't walk, that feels about 9990 steps too many.  But that is my commitment to myself this Sabbatical.  That I'm going to walk 10000 steps a day....starting next week....

10000 steps seems far.  But so does every goal that we set in our lives.  If it doesn't feel far - if it doesn't require more discipline than we think we have - then maybe it's not a very good goal.  So 10000 steps it is. 

As I'm sure the two people that may read this blog will know, 10000 steps represents more to me than just walking lots.  It represents how far I feel I need to grow in my personal life.  It represents how far I feel I am sometimes from being the person that I want to be - to God, to my family, my friends, myself.  It represents how little discipline I feel I have.  It represents all the things that I've said I want to do but always have an excuse to stay away from.  10000 steps is a commitment to myself this Sabbatical.  There's no other motive - not weight loss, not to fit old clothes, not to be stronger - just a commitment to put one foot in front of the other for the next 6 months and be a bit better tomorrow than I was yesterday. 

bad news

Today, I was told by a friend that she has an aggressive cancer and will likely die very soon.  I've written about this a fair bit here but one of the things that I get to do as a pastor is hear this kind of news fairly often.  I like to think that I'm fairly comfortable around death.  I must admit that this news today caught me emotionally off guard.  I might have cried a bit...a lot.

When I called her to talk, I was blessed by her faith.  She's not superhuman.  She wants more time with her family just as any of us would.  There's lots more things that she wants to be able to do and see.  What blessed me was her peaceful spirit.  It seemed well with her soul and in some strange way, that made it more alright for this news to be well with mine.  Even in these last days, she is talking about how she's been able to witness to doctors, friends and family - in ways that she hadn't been able to do in a long time.  What a blessing to have a friend like her.

I'm thankful for the family of God.  I'm thankful for my friend.  And today, I'm most thankful for the promise of resurrection.

Obviously this was from a month ago in Newport Beach...

Walking along the boardwalk every day was by far, the best part of every day.  Warm, fresh pastry in my hand with a cup of coffee - the brisk, cold morning air - sounds of surf - sunshine on my face...

Irony is that I spent most of my time looking to my left (at the houses) and not my right (the beautiful beach).  The people that I saw walking were doing the same thing.  Looking and talking about the nice houses rather than the beach.  It's strange because the reason that the houses ARE so expensive and nice is because of where it's located - and yet, looking into many of the living rooms, the couches face away from the beach and towards a large TV. 

I could repeat my whole last post about man-made vs. God made things but I won't.  What I will say is that looking left causes me to envy and become dissatisfied with what I have.  Looking right causes me to marvel and unable to believe that I'm able to be there to enjoy it.  Which is better?  Hmm....

my last birthday reflections

Birthday reflections 2015

People don't normally wake up on their birthday and want to write long reflections on facebook but for some reason, that was me today.

For those that don't know, this past year was one of my more personally challenging.  Long story short, I've struggled with a head injury that made even the simplest things like driving, reading, talking, remembering things almost impossible.  This led to a lot of days of quiet isolation wondering when - and even if - things would change and what they would look like when they did.  While things are not the 'same', I'm most thankful this birthday that things are much better.  Maybe that's why I'm writing this reflection?  Because a few months ago, I physically couldn't have.  This note is more for me than for you - but feel free to look through the window to my life.

Some observations:

• Most people I ran across didn't have any idea that anything was wrong but what people didn't know is that even the simplest things were difficult for a long time.  I remember knowing that I needed to pick up a couple things from the grocery store so I saved up all my energy all morning, drove to the store and came home with a massive headache to sleep for 3 hours.  We always assume we know what other people are going through - but I'm learning that we really don't.  Be kind to everyone.  Assume the best not the worst in others.
• Weakness: I'm proud.  I hate not being able to do things for myself or asking for help.  Naming that took the most courage and strength.  It got a lot easier after that.
• When I was incapacitated, people would say, "at least you have some time to relax".  The irony is that was the furthest thing from the truth.  What I wanted more than anything was to be able to go to work.  I wanted to feel productive.  I wanted to contribute to others.  I wanted to tick something off a list and to go to sleep at night knowing that something changed as a result of my time.  Work is a gift.  No matter what kind of work we do - be thankful for being able to do it.  In those dark times when I wondered if I'd ever be able to work again, I'd happily have taken the worst Monday at any job I've ever had instead of being where I was.
• Our bodies are amazing.  I take for granted that I can communicate with others, appreciate the world around me through five senses.  It's astounding that our little brains can process all that information and make it useful to us. 
• On medication: to those that are antimedication, that's your choice.  Please don't make assumptions about those that do.  It's given me my life back and frankly, I don't really care if pharmaceutical companies make money from me at this point.  And if eating organic food and sleeping better would fix it, I'd much rather choose that.  In case that sounds judging, those that know me know that I hate taking meds.
• The worst period of time with this injury was over a year after my concussion.  It came right out of the blue.  Life is fragile.  Things aren't fair and they usually don't make sense.  I'm not sure why we expect that they should.  Make the most of your time.  It's the most valuable commodity any of us has. 
• While things come out of the blue for me, I'm thankful that they don't for God.  I'm not the slightest bit bitter about what's happened to me because this life isn't really about me.  If God can use this injury to bless my kids and wife - if God can encourage a friend - if God can make me a better man - then I'd happily take it again.  The best news about my faith is that I don't wonder IF God can - it's a promise.
• As hard as everything has been for me, it's been hardest on my family and close friends.  Seeing your husband, dad, friend struggling is much harder than going through it yourself I think - his personality changed - his mood swings and unpredictability - his forgetfulness and unreliability, his depression.  When I tell my story, I get empathy.  My family doesn't get to tell their story.  There are so many people that I need to thank for your patience and grace - but none more than Kathleen, my kids, my brother and his family.  But to my close friends who continue to walk with me through this, thanks for being there - for your protectiveness and love.  (I hope you know who you are because if you don't, I've already forgotten.  I have a head injury remember)

If you've read this far, you're a true friend and deserve a friendship medal.  How am I doing now?  A lot better.  I feel like myself again but with a few losses along the way.  I've had to withdraw from my doctoral studies.  Things take a lot longer to do.  I'm an extrovert that can't be extraverted.  I'll never reach my full potential as a professional athlete.  But I'm living a thankful day at a time.  Even if I don't get another one, I'm thankful for the 15706 that I've already had.

You're beautiful

It's started.  Rachel was blowdrying and straightening her hair this morning - looking in the mirror and posing.  It was obvious that she was putting on her prettiest self.  As I was watching her, every ounce of my being wanted to hold her and shout into her soul that she is the most beautiful girl in the world - that she was more precious to me than anything - that her interior beauty was the only thing that rivalled her exterior beauty - that no matter what her hair looked like that day or any day - that no matter what life brought her way, nothing would ever change the fact that she is beautiful and magnificent. 

In the back of my mind is the tragedy of Amanda Todd.  I'm wondering when the messages she was telling herself changed from being beautiful to being something else.  I'm praying that Rachel never allows the negative voices to drown out the shouts of her family and friends that want her to know how beautiful and magnificent she is.  I'm praying for the right friends - in particular, the right boys. 

I'm wondering if that's how God sees me.  I'm so concerned sometimes with saying the right things, doing the right things, being 'successful', impressing people, proving to myself and others that I'm worth something - and God wants to shout into my soul that I am beautiful.  I am magnificent.  I wonder if God's heart breaks for me the way that mine does when I see my kids insecure or hurting.